My new car is awesome. I never drive it or think about it without a wistful wish that Mike were here sharing it with me, but it is still awesome. He would have loved it too. A brand spanking new car with bells and whistles like I’ve never had before. My Subaru was a 2003 and Mike’s truck is a 1996 so I feel like I’ve been dropped headfirst into a…
Widowed Memories
Stream of Life
Some weeks I feel like I’m just going to repeat myself. Because some weeks, nothing much changes. Nothing changes in how much I miss Mike, and nothing changes in how many changes I’m seeing happen in my life. I can’t stop it. Time is hurling itself forward at an increasingly rapid pace…at least, that’s how it seems, some days. After…
Exit Ramp
Last weekend, Sarah and I decided to take a drive around the west side of Cleveland. We didn’t have any real plan; just to head out to a small town on the Lake Erie shore, and see where we ended up. Shelby was staying with Megan’s mother, so we were free to have a random Sunday. After having some lunch at an old soda fountain in a…
The Things We Carry
“They shared the weight of memory. They took up what others could no longer bear. Often, they carried each other, the wounded or weak.” from The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien This quote is from a story by Tim O’Brien about men who were in the Vietnam war. It is a classic story that speaks to the universal themes of memory and loss. As I…
This Ringing
I’ve noticed this past week how very loud my grief is in relation to all the other bits that make up the person of Stephanie. We all have our memories, milestones, accomplishments, regrets…all the things we did and that happened to us, combined with the sorts of personalities we are, making us the people we are now. But when you have this…
Four Seasons
I have been writing this post for four seasons. For four seasons, I have come here, to the blank page, each week, and tried to find the words to express the ever-changing landscape of my grief. For four seasons I have shared my tiny triumphs, my progress, my setbacks, my worries and anxieties and fears and deepest sorrows. Some weeks, it has…
Remember the Fall
My birthday, Halloween, the colors changing on the trees, cool weather, fall festivals, apple cider, all of the other things that occur around this time of year in Ohio have solidified autumn into my favorite season. I’m not much for hot weather, and snow, while looking forward to it yearly, always starts getting a little old after Christmas.
On the road again…
I’m writing this from my parent’s home in Virginia…the house where I grew up, so many thousands of miles from where I now call home. In the past week I’ve also spent time in Austin for a business convention and New Orleans to visit my stepdaughter and her family. I am glad I could work in a visit to my folks while I’m on the…
So Long, Subaru
My car is dead. Mike and I bought our Subaru in 2005 anticipating the arrival of his girls on the island; at the time we had only his pickup truck – which I still have – so we needed more of a family car. It’s funny how cars hold such a sentimental value. I’ve been asked several times if I’d sell his truck: NO WAY. It’s old, dirty and…
Oh, the Places we Didn’t Go
As I move forward without Megan, I can’t help but think about things we did and trips we took together. I want to be able to share those memories, and relive some of those places with Shelby, and Sarah as well. Just because Megan and I enjoyed going to a particular place together doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t also share that with someone…
Straddling Two Worlds
I feel as if I’m living life with each foot in a different world. One is still firmly planted in the life I shared with Mike. The imprint, not just of Mike himself, but of the life we had together, the World of Mike and Steph, is always there. I never stop wondering what we would be doing now were he still alive…I never stop referring to him,…
A Walk in the Woods
Prior to losing Megan, I was an avid backpacker. 5 or 6 times a year, I would meticulously plan a trip to the mountains over a weekend, and disappear for a few days. No cell phone service, no emails, no TV, no distractions. I am at my most calm and reflective while I am in nature. It was a way to recharge my batteries and spend time…