Here’s my happy face. This smile isn’t fake, it was very sincere at that moment – I’m sure the free margaritas were enough to buy some sincerity, but I could be wrong. ;-)In the first months after Daniel died I didn’t feel like I put on a happy face. I didn’t feel capable of it. I’ve heard from others that I did and I seemed to be “okay”. Three and…
Widowed Emotions
Remembering When
The word remember has taken on a new meaning since Phil died. Looking back is both painful and comforting. Sometimes recalling a specific event that I shared with Phil causes a jarring pain in my chest. These memories are often visceral…the atmosphere of a specific restaurant; the inflection of Phil’s brother’s voice; or the smell of a hotel…
A Thin Thread
I’ve always felt like I related to this art piece made by my sister-in-law. It reminds me of pain. Of strength. Of holding on. Of hope. Do you ever feel like you’re hanging on by the thinnest thread? I had been running on empty for a while now… feeling dry and indifferent… Feeling like I had given everything that I had to give, leaving nothing…
WINGS and Things
My coach once shared a quote with me that said, “Take the Leap and Build the Wings on the Way Down.” That was in 2006, about a year and a half after my husband Rory passed away, when I found myself at a major crossroad both personally and professionally. To bottom line it, I knew I had to make significant changes in the way I worked, how much I…
Death by Sunburn??
My (rather new) significant other is a geologist. A few months ago, he left (Martha’s Vineyard) for the desert West of Palm Springs CA to do field work. He called me each day, either before he left to do field work in the desert, or after he returned. All was well. I was, and am, bonkers over him. I enjoyed our telephone connection. We were a new…
Teens Taking up the Slack – Sweet Sixteen.
It is Anneke’s ‘Sweet Sixteen’ today. On the one hand, I can’t really believe this day has arrived and her father is still gone. Like somehow, at some point he should have walked in the front door and with little fanfare saying “I’m back.” It has been 8 plus years. She has been without him longer than she had him. I should know better…
Learning to Focus
A comment made by a special friend about yesterday’s post got me thinking about the fact that people who have lost someone instrumental in their lives tend to view the world from a new, and unwanted, vantage point. After Phil’s death I remember thinking that death swooped in and stole my rose colored glasses…leaving me with a pair of dark shades…
The Little Things
“It may seem boring, but it is the boring things I remember the most.” ~Russell, Adventure Scout from the animated film Up My daughter and I went to see the film Up last weekend. The buzz about the film was all good, but the widow buzz held a warning…good film, heart wrenching theme, message that may speak straight to your heart. Once again,…
In the Park
What is a park to you? A place to walk your dogs, read a book among nature, or just listen to the chirping birds? For me, I’ll be honest with you all….Starting at the age of 16 the park became a place where Michael and I could get away from our parents, sit on a picnic table and have lunch , and do what teenagers do (I’ll let your imagination go…
The self-centeredness of grief.
Dear Wonderful Widows. Grieving is a self-centered act. It must be. It requires paying attention to one’s own broken heart, taking the time needed to adjust to a very different existence, and learning to live in a changed world. Grieving requires self-care. This is especially true for widows with children. We eventually find that the only way our…
Next Box.
I’ve moved twice since David passed. Both moves necessary, emotional, and exhausting. I moved into this house 3 months ago. I had unopened boxes from both moves and at some point I just stopped unpacking. Those that remained were shoved into the guest bedroom with the door shut. From time to time I would consider opening the door and organizing the…
Sometimes It’s So Painful … I Just Have to Laugh
Do you ever have one of those days when you think that nothing, NOTHING could top the last stupid thing that happened to you? Today was one of those days. I had three very stupid, and potentially painful, items in my mailbox. All three were from our government. I will refrain from saying any more on that.The first piece was from Social Security.