…. is what I can sometimes be …. I think. Some people do not enjoy my honesty on my personal blog. I’ve learned to hold back on some things ….. things that will have an effect on those I love. Although sometimes holding back puts me in a very, very lonely place.I wish that I could just pour out every single feeling that comes my way when…
Widowed Emotions
Little Faces
Tucking Grayson into bed the other night – “Mom, will you lay down with me for a few minutes?”. Who can resist that? I crawled into bed with the little guy, and promptly fell asleep. I didn’t sleep for long, maybe five minutes, but when I woke up, I was lying on my side looking at him in profile. It took my breath away how much he looked like…
the perfect father
Lately, Liv and I have been struggling. We have been fighting arguing about everything from whether she should brush her extremely knot-filled hair before departing for the day to whether older sisters are ‘allowed’ to speak to their younger brothers in a hatred filled voice to whether it is her job to clean up her mess. She claims that my…
A Slow Fade ….
… is not what happens the day your soul mate dies. There’s nothing slow about the slamming shut of the door of your life. Your life as you knew it. Your “before” life. Your future as you dreamed it. The door slams shut. All light is snuffed out. Literally. You are thrust into a very, very dark, very cold place.No …. not slow at all. But…
And Now for Something Completely Different
Some things remain unchanged for centuries, such as Stonehenge (my photo, two summers ago). Others change much more rapidly, such as myself (no photo, you’ve seen me before ;). I guess 4 and a half years isn’t a tiny bit of time, but in the framework of a lifetime, 4 years is pretty quick. I find it hard to believe how far I’ve come since November…
Blind
This post is from May 8, 2009, just 22 days after Art died. Recently I needed to go back, to see how far I’d come. I’ve been blind to the changes — the small little changes like that I can remember to order shoes, and that today is hot lunch day at camp each thought within 10 seconds of each other. This daily action of putting one foot in front of…
Dark Nights of the Soul
Warning: This post may be unsettling to many. It was written 8 days ago. I thought about it today. And yesterday And actually been thinking about it for 5 days straight. Considering different ways to do it. Quick, painless ways to do it.I’ve been thinking about killing myself. The fact that I am writing about this means, I think….I am working…
….by the way
I am seeing all sorts of old and familiar faces since we moved back to my hometown. It’s been great getting reacquainted with now-grown children of my youth. We discuss how the town has changed. That the one stop light in town is no longer the one stop light in town. Gossip about the nastiest boy in our class has changed and where he is now.I find…
Feeling Guilty ….
… for falling in love again? Ummmm …… not so much. I’ve heard and read a lot about this topic lately. I’ve seen what others have written about it. And I’ve seen quite a bit of guilt. Why? Why do we do that to ourselves?I use the word “we”, even though guilt is not an emotion that I am, or have, felt since I started dating again (after…
Does widowhood define me?
As a widow, how many times have you said, “when/since/because _____ died”? Even after two years, three months and six days, I regularly use this phrase. Does widowhood define me this much or is it that the loss of my husband has been so life-altered, self-forming, world-shifting to me that I can attribute most of the occurrences in my present life…
I Dreamed a Dream ….
I am happy. Finally, after what seems an eternity, I can say …. and mean …. those three words. After over 2 years of thinking that I would never be happy again. After over 2 years of wishing that I were there with him. After over 2 years of feeling that I was going to drown. I. Am. Happy. And yet ……….. there are still moments when a…
Musical Monday: Finding Myself
Before I was widowed I knew who I was and I held pretty firm beliefs about life in general. Prior to marrying Phil I lived through a divorce and the ensuing identity crisis, and I came out on the other side more aware of my personal strengths and weaknesses. My divorce also taught me that I was capable of recreating my life. I knew that I didn’t…