This is the part no one tells you about. This is the part that many do not know. When your spouse dies, you are left with a void, a big void. Your mind constantly reminds you that he is gone, and that what lies before you is an existence that must begin without him. The only problem is, how do you do this? And, what exactly is this new existence…
Widowed Emotions
senseless socks
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned on this journey of widowhood is that grief is not logical. It makes no sense. It’s arrogant and naive to believe that we think we know how we would react in any stressful or painful situation. Segments of our lives, portions of our morals and many of our ideals become frayed and scattered. When we begin to…
nothing.
i don’t throw things away. the meaningful, the meaningless, everything is somewhere. in my house. in my garage.tucked away in places i don’t remember, to be found at times i don’t expect to find them. i found a memory a few weeks ago. it was nothing, really. just something i held on to just in case… i can’t believe i kept it in the first place,…
The Things I/We Didn’t Need to Hear ….
(this was originally posted on Feb. 16, 2008, almost 2 months after Jim’s death. It was in response to many of my blog readers asking me what to “not say” to a grieving person”. This is the 2nd time I have posted it on WV, but I think we need to remind people ….. every once in a while). OK, buckle your seat belts. And please, please, please…
Ashes
We’re at the ranch. It’s my cousin’s place. 90 acres horses, sheep, ponds, creeks and ATVs.It’s our second home. It’s the place where we escape our noisy city lives. It’s the place Art wanted to be sprinkled. I left part of him here in May 09, 1 month after his death. I left him in a box. That was placed above my cousin’s book shelf. Today was time…
Push
Active Lifestyle…. I lived one. I ran 5 days a week, did ab workout DVDs, went biking with Michael, and a little more here and there.Now in comparison to Michael, I was sedentary, but he was my motivation to do that which I was active in to begin with. Self care was something he was a huge advocate of, and feeling and looking my best made me feel…
that drive and the ones that followed…
i’m not intuitive or any of that shit, but when he suddenly stopped talking, i let the silence settle through the car.it would have been obvious to anyone (but not everyone) that something was up. it was on the second trip when he turned the volume down on the western music he had gotten for people like me (not knowing that i wanted nothing more…
Should I Be Happy ….
….. to know that Jim is in Heaven? Yes, someone asked me this …… 10 days after Jim’s sudden death. Interesting question. Should I/we be happy that Jim is in heaven? Well, of course if I were a “good” Christian then I’d have to give you the pat, “good” answer: ‘Of course I’m glad that he’s up there, with God, praising and singing (though he…
Better…
Portions of the following post are from about a year and a half ago…at the time I really thought I was better, and all things considered I was. About three years ago I started joking with Michele that I wanted to wear a black t-shirt with word “bitter” printed on it to identify myself as a bitter widow. She refused to let me, more out of fear…
The Gay Widower
In the days following the death of Michael I began to realize that in addition to losing my husband, I was losing part of my identity. I was having a conversation with someone about Michael when I began stumbling over my words. I hadn’t quite thought out how I would describe him. Up until a few days prior, he was my husband, my spouse, my partner.
Uncle…
Warning: This post may be unsettling. It was written in June. I didn’t post it because I didn’t want someone calling Child Protection Services, a threat that was made. Please know that I am better. Please know that I continue to fight and function. Please know that I am here. I thought about it today. And yesterday Actually been thinking about…
something small.
i just found it the other day, still attached to a belt loop on an old pair of jeans.it was part of me everyday for two weeks, that simple metal object, it held on to the things that meant so much to her in life and will mean so much to her daughter when she’s old enough to appreciate them. i tried to put the jeans on, leaving the safety pin where…