I remember the day. It was two months after Michael was killed and I found myself sitting on our big red chair, laptop in hand. Tears welled up in my eyes as I scrolled through the hundreds of photos I had of Michael. It would take a moment till I finally realized what I was doing. As I passed through each picture I would only look at Michael. When…
Widowed Emotions
found
a few days ago she found them. they’d been sitting in plain view since before her mom died.well, not exactly in plain view… they were covered by a couple of books, but i could see them from where i sat every day, working on our taj. it helped that i knew they were there, otherwise i probably would have looked past them as well. but at two…
Would I Be a Better Spouse ….
…. the second time around? After pondering this a bit …. I have to be honest. And say yes. Don’t get me wrong …. I don’t think I was a bad wife. Not at all.Jim and I had a fantastic relationship. We loved each other more with each year that passed. I knew that we had a better marriage …. or at least seemed happier …. than many people I…
One Size Fits All?
The relationships that I have formed with other widowed people are by far the quickest bonding experiences of my life. Somehow the kinship of loss has regularly transcended the other differences that are often obvious between me and a new widowed friend. Before Phil died there were a variety of things that might influence how long I spent getting…
Before or After?
Did Art die before or after Pallas hit five feet? Did he die before I bought the new underwear or after? Was he alive when Google offered that new earth maps feature? Was I friends with her before or after Art died? Was he alive when Langton said __________ or Ezra did ______?Before or after? This is the new question I’ve been asking lately. And…
Widow Humor
Being a widow is a lot of things. Scary. Sad. Lonely. Guilt-ridden. But an unexpected side effect of the loss of my spouse is the humor and hilarity. Maybe I was funny person before. Maybe it has been in me all along. But after spending time again this year at Camp Widow, my cheeks hurt from laughing….and I didn’t spend the time giggling at…
Love After Love …
… is different. Very, very different. I wish I had known that. I wish I had known a widow who could have told me that. Someone who could have warned me. You see, I had only loved one person in my whole life (OK, other than my family members and friends). I had only fallen in love once. And he had only fallen in love once. We both had that…
1157
One restless night of blog surfing, I saw someone post the exact number of days since they lost their soul mate. I must admit, I stopped long ago in counting the exact days and months since Michael was killed. Knowing such numbers, especially in the never-ending days in the beginning of my grief, seemed like mental suicide. As much as I’m a…
When Will You Be Done?
Lately I have been asked by more than one person when I think I might be done with this whole, “widow thing.” Hmmm…done. Well I guess that depends on the definition of done. See the thing is, I will always be widowed. Remarriage doesn’t erase my widowhood. Being happy doesn’t erase the memories I have of lying in bed dry heaving as I screamed in…
I Am Pissed ….
I am pissed . . . . ….. please forgive my crassness. Since Jim died I haven’t had anyone around to give me a disapproving glance for unladylike language so ……. it’s been much more difficult to be ladylike. I think it goes with the experience. Deep breath here. This will be one of those honestly honest posts. I’m not sure who should take the…
Gushing
I’ve written ELEVEN Thank you notes this week. ELEVEN!!! Eleven hand written notes filled with gratitude and gratefulness for the things people in my life did for me.There were the three dinners I had at friend’s houses that included a great amount of laughter and connection and the feeding of my three children. One went to the paralegal who…
are you lonesome tonight….
I’m not dating. I have gone on a few….dates. But it never felt right. But neither does this loneliness. I don’t want to go through the hassle of meeting, dating, getting to know the other person’s “issues”, introducing this person to family and friends, getting giddy when they come around, having our first argument, finding out that they have an…