Last night I went to the movies with some friends to see the new Ridley Scott film, The Martian. It was awesome, really clever, enough suspense to make it exciting and interesting without freaking me out too much, with plenty of feel-good moments. Going to see a movie was something Dan and I did very often, sometimes two or three times a…
Widowed by Suicide
To Wait or to Do it Alone…
I’ve written in the past about how one of the factors of my husband’s death that causes me a lot of sadness is that we didn’t get the opportunity to have a family. Please forgive me if I’m repeating myself, but this is what’s on my mind this week. At the time of his death we were talking a lot about trying to conceive within the next year or…
Still Learning about Him
A dear friend of mine marked the third anniversary of her husband’s sudden death yesterday. This morning when she shared how the day had been, I was delighted and relieved to hear that she was able to find some joy amongst her sadness. She had decided to gather together with her husband’s friends for a dinner to celebrate his life. They’d…
What Not to Talk About on a First Date…
Over the past few months I’ve been on a couple of dates and it’s not been easy. I always hoped that when I felt ready to open my heart again, someone wonderful would cross my path, but so far it hasn’t happened like that My circle of friends is full of couples and I don’t meet many people through work, so like many modern women I…
Suicide, my Life Sentence
This Thursday was World Suicide Prevention Day, which brought up a lot of mixed emotions for me. In the past 25 months since my husband’s death, I have grown and healed and taken many significant steps into my new life, however I don’t think I’ll ever reach the point where I stop wishing that I could have saved him. His depression was a…
The Tangible Taste of Missing Him
I’ve had a lot of those moments this week where the missing of Dan has been sharp and hard and tangible. I’m always conscious of him not being here – even when I’m laughing or having fun, there’s always that subtle sense of his absence. I never forget. However time has gently smoothed some of the corners so that the missing of…
I Don’t Know How You Do It
A few days ago I was chatting to a good friend of mine who recently lost a friend to cancer. This young man fought a long, hard battle, and left behind a huge community of friends and family who were missing him very much – including his newly-wedded wife. My friend told me about the steps she’d been taking to reach out to the young widow…
I Choose Love – Over and Over Again
My mum had a fairly serious surgery this week and has been staying with me in the city while she recovers. She’s ok, and we’re confident that she will be ok ‘long term’, but she’s had a rough time both physically and emotionally. One of the hardest things about being widowed is that I have this horrible intimate knowledge about how…
Widowed… without children
The past couple of months have been a bit unsettled for me, with our wedding anniversary in June and then Dan’s death anniversary in July. I’ve been so focussed on getting through this difficult patch that my 35th birthday, somewhere in the middle, passed by without too much of a fuss. I had a nice day and celebrated with family and…
The Anger isn’t as Important as the Love
Last weekend I attended the wedding of one of my husband’s closest friends. This happened to fall on the second anniversary of his funeral, and a week after his anniversary. I always knew it was going to be a difficult time. I knew it would hurt and bring up all kinds of triggers, sad thoughts and memories. But somehow, despite knowing…
Widow Bingo
Yesterday I had one of those encounters with people who REALLY don’t know what to say to a widow. You know the type, they rattle off every cliche in the book with very little understanding of what they’re actually talking about. Furthermore, they usually have zero ability to pick up on the fact that the words of sympathy and wisdom they are…
An Unexpected Reason to Smile
Yesterday marked the two year anniversary of the day I lost my husband to depression. It’s the hardest day of the year for me. I miss him always and there are obviously times that are harder than others, like our wedding anniversary, Christmas and birthdays. However while those days bring sadness, it’s his death anniversary that has me…