My brain is in overdrive these days and all day today I’ve been contemplating what it is I’ll write about for this week’s blog. I usually let my writing happen viscerally. So here goes. Last Sunday our oldest son got married against the backdrop of Sedona Arizona. One of those milestones of life that will cause our grief to rise up in us,…
Widowed by Illness
Making Room
I’ve posted in the last couple of months about going through Ian’s things and starting to move stuff onto new homes that can go to new homes, or tossing stuff that can’t be moved on. That’s because there was one thing I couldn’t discard after he died…Our seven frozen embryos, left from our IVF cycles to have John. As part of the IVF process,…
Will the Stars and Moon Answer Me?
Even while I’m engaged in various activities, my mind’s eye, my heart’s eye, is searching for something that will ring a bell of recognition within me. Something that will make my heart say oh, that’s what I’ve known all along and didn’t remember I knew! That something that will ease some of the devastating ache of my soul and heart and body.
Another Year Over
Another number away from the “2012” in which Ian died. One thing I read late last year was people doing a ‘word’ for the year, not New Years Resolutions, which seemed a far more sensible way to go than dragging out the perennial resolution that never gets stuck to. The word that stuck out to me at the beginning of the year was Faith. Not religious…
Marriage Rings and Heart Strings
It’s a topic written about and commented upon, frequently. Little circles, made of gold or silver, encrusted with stones or plain. Maybe engraved. Little circles that symbolize so much. For such a tiny thing, they can wield so much power. Mine did. I loved being married to my husband. I loved our passion, I loved our friendship, I…
The Beginning to the End
I received the parchment last week for a course I started about 18 months ago. No formal graduation, just a small package in the mail. Additional studies over and above my university studies. It’s the first thing I’ve done from beginning to end since Ian died. Wholly and completely without him. Concept to completion. I started it because…
Widow Confusion
Widowhood is confusing to me. I suppose every huge life change is, for those in the midst of it. My mind whirls with thoughts of my husband’s final days, his death, leaving southern California in my rear view mirror, driving away from him, being out on the road without him…the memories, and the pain that go with those memories, are strong and…
Attempt at a Christmas Tradition
Sunday marked two and a half years without Ian. The first year, I decided to mark the date with a visit to a iconic local Christmas light display – do something nice with John on the day that we’d done with Ian. It’s something we’ve done each Christmas since. Well, attempted to. This year’s attempt was not as disastrous as last year, but not…
A Step Up from Suffication
I reached a crisis point in my grief late last week. It was as if all the agony and devastation that lingers right under my skin suddenly became the surface of my skin and I felt like a wild animal that howls its’ pain to the night skies. It didn’t help that I’d been ill for almost a week, a vicious flu that tore up my body in every way possible.
Redecorating
Things around the house are starting to look quite a bit different from when Ian was here. Use of rooms has been shuffled. Furniture re-arranged in various rooms. I got extra kitchen cabinets installed six months after he died – a project Ian had started trying to get quotes for, but was having no luck what so ever. And now there a new paint…
This Dark Night of the Soul
This particular blog is one I don’t plan on editing or changing in any way. It’s completely raw writing from the darkness of this night that I’m in. I came in off the road not quite a week ago, right before Thanksgiving. My PinkMagic trailer is parked outside my son’s house here in Arizona. He recently moved in with his girlfriend, soon to be…
Mummy, Why is Pup Crying?
For today’s post I’m not really writing wearing my ‘widow’ hat, but my ‘mother of young boy’ hat. But I probably wouldn’t have the same perspective on this situation if I were not widowed. This past week a young Australian sportsman, a cricketer, was injured on the field and passed away from a rare brain injury caused by the impact of the…