I felt safe with Chuck. Emotionally. Physically. Every way. I knew that if a situation arose, he could handle it. I felt protected in a way I’d never felt in my first marriage. My well-being was first and foremost in his mind. His military training was in his blood and he’d run through “what if” situations with me so that I could…
Widowed by Illness
Shhhhhhh
Shhhh… You can’t see me. I am an amorphous spirit living within the physical body of the woman I used to be. I’m not really here. The mute button has been activated and what you (the world) sees is a woman who wears a lot of pink, who drives a pink car, towing a pink-trimmed trailer around the country. Perhaps, I think to myself, this pink, my…
Yes You
to those of us left behind standing amidst the ashes that remain atop the skeletons of our lives and ourselves. to those of us left behind who struggle with unseeing eyes blinded by grief and limbs made heavy with exhaustion and shattered souls uncertain about…everything.to those of us left behind who must learn to live in the without and open…
Rose-scented Conversations
Language has changed for me in this time since Chuck died.I’m certain I’m not the only one who has heard people say “Your fillintheblank would want you to be happy”. Happy is one of the words that has changed for me. Happiness is a fleeting thing and I’m not concerned about being happy. Life is deeper than that for me now. I hope someday I…
Lost Time
John’s hospital stay threw me out of sync. Not just in terms of the stress that came out of that situation with the additional health implication for him because of Daddy’s illness, but I’ve lost another week of time in my brain… I still feel like I lost a year. Over the weekend our church community celebrated the marriage of two members,…
Next Year~and a Goal
Today I watched the flashmob video from Camp Widow. I was inspired to watch it after seeing the tutorial video on the Soaring Spirits Loss face book page.The tutorial. I barely got through it and only got through it with tears coming from my eyes and my chest feeling tight and sorrow filling every part of my body. And the whys of that were…
Not again…
I didn’t get to write last week… I was with my son in our local children’s hospital after he developed an autoimmune thingy. First while being assessed in emergency after some four hours of the usual waiting and it’s 2am, the doctors tell me even though he isn’t a typical presentation they suspect something called Kawasaki’s Disease, and the…
This~
I’ve been on the road for two weeks now with my daughter in this continuing Odyssey of Love. Not necessarily by plan but happening nonetheless, we’re traveling the same roads my husband and I drove in our first year out on the road. Not by plan only because all we know is that we’re headed north to Washington state, where we’ll turn East and…
What I Learned from a Visionary
I’ll be very blunt here. Christina Rasmussen, the visionary of Second Firsts, continues to help save my sanity by holding out hope. Her story helps me know that I just might get through this devastating grief brought into my soul by my beloved husband’s death. I personally don’t feel hope but I see the life she’s built after her husband’s…
Homeward Run
I’ll keep on the theme Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation has run on their facebook page for International Widows Day – what I’ve achieved since Ian died. Well, working on achieving. One of the big changes I made was to go back to school. I knew my job would end about 12 months after Ian died, and I opted to work towards a change in…
Hello Year Three
I’m struggling writing this week. I know the general gist of what I want to say, but some of it keeps seeming harsh, uncaring, like I’m an insensitive bitch. Because it’s about the relief and positivity I’ve figured out I find in Ian’s death anniversary. This past weekend was the second anniversary of Ian’s passing. And although it may sound…
No Offense Meant~Bless Your Heart
FWG. A term I made up myself and one that may or may not be offensive to people. Words are funny, aren’t they? My mom used to say that people are the ones who give power to words and I believe the same goes for those who hear the words. They receive it according to how they define the word. When people ask me what FWG means, I generally ask…