I don’t know what makes one day, one moment, more impossible than another. Grief is just that way. For me, it isn’t a matter of grief suddenly showing itself; it’s more a matter of at any one moment I’m better able to keep it under my skin as opposed to right on top. It isn’t less or more than; it’s just under or on top of. Today,…
Widowed by Illness
The Backpack
The other day, a post-Maggie friend asked how I became so well adjusted, having put all the stuff that happened behind me. I was careful not to snort my drink through my nose upon hearing her well-intended question; such a reaction might have been confusing to her. When I asked what she meant, she described how she thought I had such a great…
Knowing What I’m Doing
I’m a planner. Always have been. I was forward planning on potential outcomes throughout Ian’s illness. When it looked like he was going to survive, albeit severely disabled from a massive stroke, I was looking at house plans or for places to live near his mother’s nursing home in order to keep our family as close together as possible. Same…
Next and Next and Stop
Mostly, I stay in the here and now. Who can bear to even imagine 24 hours from now? So I focus my eyes right in front of me, the next step, the next mile. 18 months and a couple weeks since Chuck’s death and I still look down at my feet to see where they are and I stay there. Mostly. I’m in Key West right now, with my daughter, as I…
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Like often happens when I read the rest of the writing team’s posts, Sarah’s post on Sunday struck a chord. I wonder when I’ll get to the point where pretty much the first thing I say to someone isn’t “I’m a widow; my husband died two and a half years ago” or some variation on the theme. And then changes just keep on happening around me that…
Questions
Sometimes, when I allow myself to think of my nebulous future, and whether I’ll ever have a man in my life to love again, and be loved by, I think maybe I’ve had my love story and that’s the end of that. After all, I can’t be greedy, can I? Many people don’t have their love story even once. I had 24 years of a love affair marriage-how can I…
What Time Means. And Doesn’t
Today marks 18 months since my husband died. One and a half years. Forever. He was in the Air Force and often went TDY (temporary duty) in our first years together and mostly I didn’t know where he was during those times and would watch the news to maybe figure it out. But he was never gone for more than a few weeks at a time and then he’d be…
Cadence Count
Moving through grief is similar to moving through deep, dark mud and muck. Lifting your feet to take another step forward takes every bit of determination and strength. Sometimes you look down and you can’t even see your feet, never mind lift them to take that step. When you do lift them, they are covered with mud to the point of not being…
When There are no Words
I can feel my body starving for my husband. It strains outwards, palpable energy reaching outside of myself, only to be left hanging in the void where he used to stand. When I walk anywhere, I find myself keeping my right hand empty, palm open, thinking against all reality that I might feel his hand clasp mine again.What does one do with that…
Mission Accomplished
My Odyssey of Love has brought me and my daughter to New Jersey, where my and Chuck’s primary community lives. We’re here for a few weeks, catching up with friends. It’s tough being here; Chuck had his first cancer here and all the treatments and there is so much pain and grief. And there is, also, so much love. It has been my intent since…
Oh Yes, I’m Running
Our younger son asked me recently, in reference to this full-time life on the road that I’m living, if I’m doing this as a way of running away from the pain and grief. It’s a legitimate question and something I’ve pondered over the last 9 months. He and I spoke frankly about the possibility and I was able to reassure him that it isn’t the case. If…
Without-ness
This is what I wonder. And I wonder this even though my career was in grief support and I led groups and replied to this very same wondering from so many people who graced my groups. Will I ever feel engaged in life again? Will I ever find passion for life again? And energy? Will I ever not feel that I am living without him and therefore I just…