Deux ans. Two anniversaries of the day I lost my huge, hairy and hilarious husband. I’ve learned so very much in these two short years. A lifetime of lessons. Lessons I didn’t really want to know.I now know that although I did not think in those first few hours, days and months, that I would survive, I did. I breathed each breath with a sob. I…
Widowed Anniversaries
Music Was Our Refuge
The epitaph on Chris’s grave marker says, “Music Was My Refuge.” It is a most appropriate way to remember a man who was a church choir director, a pianist and an organist, a community theater actor, a Norwegian Folk dancer, and a longtime patron of the opera and symphony. In the months after Chris died, I started planning a concert in his…
My Truth
(From December 09) I had a drink tonight with someone who reminded me to speak my truth. The truth is today was another day. The truth is the eight month anniversary is nothing but a date. The truth is I once stopped counting days. I will now stop counting months.The truth is he was an amazing man. The truth is he loved me more than he loved life.
A Toast
A peace settled around me this morning that muffled the noise of the day and left me smiling (except when I was trying to get the two kids out the door to pick up the third kid, so we could get the oldest kid to his concert on time) Photo above. “It is all good.” I kept thinking…and feeling. “I am exactly where I am supposed to be.”15 years…
Happy Anniversary
December 23rd will mark the four year anniversary of our love eternal. We wrote our own vows, we rocked into each other the whole ceremony, we had a moment in time where all else melted away, we sealed our devotion with a kiss.It wasn’t about the dress, venue, gifts, or cake….it was simply about our love being personified.Nearly three years of…
Napping before the show….
I’m tired.I’ve miscalculated my energy for this month, which has equated to many a’naps.In the midst of the over-exertion and holiday bustle, I drained my tank with no one in sight to grab me some gas. It’s just a month of lots of everything!December 23rd will be our four year anniversary and December 27th will be my birthday…heck, and lets throw…
Feeling Small …..
I’m feeling a bit lost and small as I head towards the second year mark of Jim’s death. This grief thing is so much bigger than I am and it draws me in to places I don’t want to go.I don’t want to be sad and I don’t want to feel like I have no energy. I don’t want to wish that I weren’t here, but I seem to have no control over how I feel ….. and…
Four years ago
Well the countdown is over and today is the day. Four years ago today I watched my husband die when only moments before, he had asked me to climb into the hospital bed with him and he’d told me how hard this battle was for him and how much he loved me. We thought we were leaving the hospital the next day; he was only in for dehydration issues…
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life…
So here I sit, 7 days til the anniversary. I am absolutely beyond swamped at work (could I have more meetings and more documents to review??) and overwhelmed with personal commitments as well – a funeral (no, they never stop, and they are always sad), two evening meetings, basketball, Halloween parties, homework, and that is just to get me to…
Once In a Lifetime
Michael and I always wanted to see the world with each other. We had it all planned out. After he and I graduated, we would go to Europe and start our travels. From Greece to tropical terrains, we’d see it all (leaving a few places for after retirement) and then head back and start our family.Fast forward to 2007 and our “plans” fell to the…
Put on a Happy Face (Part 1,439)
Yes, here we are once again…trying to put on a happy face. Tomorrow is my 40th birthday, and although I could care less about the fact of “40”, the birthday itself is hard. Not the 40 part, just the birthday. Four years ago I spent my birthday in the emergency room at MD Anderson, then in the outpatient surgery center, and as a celebration of the…
The Death March
I dread deathiversaries, with my whole soul, as my daughter would say. This dread is instinctual, and has nothing to do with how happy I am in my current life. The creeping feeling of impending doom sneaks up on me at the same time every year, and at odd times when I am distracted by nostalgia or lost in a happy memory. Sometimes the feeling of…