Ezra came back to me again, expressing his lack of desire to live. I called Our House where the kids and I receive grief support. I spoke with Lauren who is in charge of children’s support. She said I need to get Ezra help…. immediately.She said it’s great that he trusts me enough to express his feeling. She said it’s good that I have provided…
Widowed and Healing
Our Fairy Tale
I try not to think too much on all the things we would have done, family we would have built and life together we would have lived. I try not to imagine it too much, for there is a pain associated with the what-ifs and that which we were unable to fulfill as the soul mates we are. We lived our fairy tale. Our own Disney movie.Like a knight on a…
It’s Not the Same ….
My life changed drastically and permanently on December 18, 2007. Nothing is the same. Nothing. I am not the same. I will never be the same. And I’m finally OK with that (I’m not so sure that everyone else is).My children are not the same. And I’m OK with that, too. I don’t have to like it, but I’m OK with it. My home doesn’t feel the same.
Music Was Our Refuge
The epitaph on Chris’s grave marker says, “Music Was My Refuge.” It is a most appropriate way to remember a man who was a church choir director, a pianist and an organist, a community theater actor, a Norwegian Folk dancer, and a longtime patron of the opera and symphony. In the months after Chris died, I started planning a concert in his…
Then and Now
I spent some time last week reading through my old journal. I wrote in it almost every day for a year after Daniel died. Every once in a while I read through it to remind myself of how far I’ve come. It’s been over a year since I’ve looked at it, and it was some rough reading. I felt so sorry for that poor woman (yes, me). It was painful to relive…
Yep, that’s me…
I miss the quirky awkwardness that was all ours. The waking up in the morning and making up songs about the cereal I was about to eat. The moments where he’d surprise me….not with roses, but fried okra. Giggling like teenagers as we snuck out to fool around in random parking lots.Smiling at each other during cheesy movies and then getting in the…
no tears
while friend johnny utah was out for a run (obviously he is crazy), maddie and I started walking toward the playground. saw a mom, a dad.each one holding an arm counting to three swinging their daughter, daughter laughing hysterically. how does a single father bring that kind of joy? i could try it with one arm, but that would look terrible to…
Throwing in the Towel
I have often said that anyone whose spouse has died should receive an automatic, lifetime, get-out-of-jail-free card. This card would be used for things like avoiding leaking faucets, flat tires, broken fences, faulty plumbing, and critters stuck under the house or in the chimney. This all purpose pass should also free the bearer from: teenage…
Splat
I am standing, sobbing, in the parking lot of Costco in the arms of a strange man. The parking lot of Costco, my cart next to me. I am unable to find my car.It’s not my car, it’s the one I am borrowing. And when I left the store, striding like a woman who knows EXACTLY where she is going, I remembered what it looked like. But as I neared the row,…
Turn the Light On
The other night I was enjoying dinner with one of my great friends. She is also a widow and will be coming up on two years since the loss of her soul mate. As we sat and enjoyed our meals, drinks, conversation and company, it became obvious that in a restaurant full of people, we were the only ones laughing, smiling, toasting and enjoying the…
comradery
Before widowhood, I really, truly thought I knew a lot. I supposed I knew how I should/would/could react in a variety of situations. How others should/could/would act. The ‘right’ the ‘wrong’ in a plethora of situations. What a variety of other people’s actions meant regarding their thoughts or mental state. I was wrong. So very wrong.I remember so…
who she was
taken at the broback wedding.two weeks(including a trip to greece)after ours.i think i havea new favoritephoto of liz.i talked to the male brobackabout thisand we’re sure she’s waving to someonewho was a complete stranger to herjust hours earlier.everyone washer best friend.i can’t get enough ofthat shot.this is trulywho she was.