It’s the ‘little things’ can that drive you mad or madly in love. The way his jaw clicks when he chews. Or the way he tucks your hair behind you ear as he assures you that it will be okay. The way he feels compelled to tell you how to solve a problem when you’re venting. Or the way he stares at you from across the room with a smile touching his…
Widowed and Healing
Sweet?
I remember a time not too long ago when I couldn’t taste anything, couldn’t notice the sunshine, couldn’t appreciate the beauty in anything. Getting out of bed and making it through the day was all I could handle. As time passed, I noticed a beautiful day – the first gorgeous day I noticed was ruined by a crying fit (how could it be this beautiful…
In Awe
I have experienced using the word death, or the word grief, or the word widow and having people physically step away from me. I have been told that since I am young the death of my husband isn’t as large a tragedy as it might be if I were older, since I am sure to remarry. I have been asked whether or not I am “over” my husband. People have looked…
Kissing
I don’t remember how Art kissed. I remember how it felt. Warm, sensual, desired, sexy, girly, vixenish, delightful. When the connection was right, our kissing opened a door that lead to ….I kissed a guy last night. He’s not the first one that I have kissed but last time, back in the earlier months I kissed for and with the need to connect, to…
Do You Mind?
Hi honey, It has been such a long time since I have written you a letter. In fact, my eyes are welling up now realizing that I talk to you all the time in my heart but those words are no longer committed to paper. Remember the letters I wrote to you every day for the first year? I spilled my frustrations, feelings, fears, and memories across every…
Dance Party
I’m never sure how they start. But there is this collective agreement. A collective need to release the energy. And so one of the kids turns the music on and we are having A SPONTANEOUS DANCE PARTY!!! We take turns recording our latest and most definitely best dance moves with our Flip. We don’t care if we are out of rhythm (which rarely happens…
Do You Have a Lighter?
I’ve been able to reach the life I deserved. Just as stated above. But then the sparks fizzled…went out…as that life slipped through my fingers with fate’s plan. This past weekend though, in the presence of those acquainted with the loss of their love, their soul mates, the sparks reignited, pilot light by pilot light.I am coming to learn to…
Fill the Void?
The thought occasionally enters my mind now and then that maybe I should date. I’m lonely. I want someone to talk to. Someone to spend time with. Someone to care about and have care about me. But then, I wonder, am I just looking for Jeff? No one is EVER going to measure up to him. No one is ever going to have his sense of humor, his sexiness, his…
good memories
we headed to the pasadena to have dinner with chandra and derek, who were in town from the bay area. decided on a sushi restaurant. it’s an extremely loud place, but madeline was comfortable, quietly surveying the room. i think she remembered the place. i was there with liz (madeline inside), last november, to celebrate a night of feeling okay…
Missing me …..
For the past few weeks I’ve been aware of something: I miss me. Yes, I miss Jim …. still very, very much and still every minute of every day, but I also miss me. The “before Janine”.I liked her. I liked her humor and her sense of fun. I liked that other people thought she was funny and they enjoyed being around her (mostly). I liked that she…
Survival
So whether we wanted to or not, it appears that we have survived another date night holiday! Welcome to the other side people – only 363 more days until Valentine’s Day! 😉 This was number 5 for me as a widow. Easier by far, but still – melancholy. Valentine’s Day was my first date with my husband. He was a dashing 16 year old boy who came to my…
Warning Labels
Since Phil died in August of 2005 I have met thousands of widowed people. That fact astounds me. I speak to a new widowed person daily. Every single day, and I am just one person. And yet I am still surprised by death, both personally and professionally. What? Our loved ones die? Since when? But he was so young! What about the kids left behind? How…