Life in the after is strange and weird and ill-fitting . What once was no longer is. Our physical world changes as intensely as our emotional world after our person dies. Even if our surroundings are the same, there is a person missing from those surroundings. The chair where our person sat. The table where […]
Military Widowed
An Odyssey of Love~
Once upon a time… A man stole my heart Right out of my chest. It’s ok that he stole it, Because he gave me his in return. He held my heart so carefully with his two hands. This man, dressed in the uniform of the US Air Force, Pledged to Love me, cherish me, honor […]
My Recipe. I Don’t Have One~
As I approach the 8 year mark, That will always be 7 years for me, Because how can I bear to count further the years you are missing from me? I have no secret recipe, no sweet story of how I got from there… April 21, 2013 to here… April 21, 2021. If someone were […]
My Why, Why, Why~
Raise your hand if you’ve been asked why you still talk about your dead person. Raise your other hand if you’ve been judged as hanging on. Stand up if you’ve been asked how long will this grief continue? Now stand on the nearest chair and balance really well. This chair is your soapbox. You don’t […]
The Miles Under Me~
I walked down 15 steps on that long ago day that was both yesterday and years ago, 3 weeks after your death. I carried my suitcases. Your suitcase. All the assorted bags carrying all our worldly belongings. I gently placed the urn carrying your cremains in the passenger seat. It felt warm to the touch. […]
The Intimacy of Grief~
In the early years of this widowed life, it was as if a meat slicer lived inside my chest, right around my heart. The chopping sensation was a 24 hour thing and it affected my breathing. Somewhere in the 3rd year I sought out counseling and went through some EMDR sessions, along with bi-lateral brain […]
Love Onscreen~
It’s habit with many in the widowed community to talk to their dead people. To write to them on the regular. I admire this. I really do. I’m envious, honestly. In these 7 years since Chuck’s death I haven’t been able to write to him, or talk to him. There’s just a block of some […]
Where You Are~
In the sunsets, at the end of days…. I look for you. I don’t know if I feel you where I am or where I’m not. But I hope you are. There. Or there. I know you loved what I now see with only my eyes and perhaps, for that reason alone, if nothing else… […]
My Newest Math~
I’m a bit of a fan (hugely so) of the Outlander books by Diana Gabaldon, as some of you know. The show and books absorbed me immediately, taking me back to my Scottish roots and filling my world with the Love story between the two characters, Jamie and Claire. The character/personality of the Scotsman, Jamie, […]
Living my Story~
In the end, all we own are our stories. These words were placed on the top of the page of Chuck’s memorial service program. They were echoes of a line from our favorite movie…Australia. Every so often, as I write or speak about our Love story, people have commented oh, you were so lucky! And […]
Music and a Love Story~
Music is a huge part of my life, as it is for so many of us as we live our daily lives. A few days ago, as I listened to my music playlist titled Chuck, it took me a moment before I realized that my entire body had relaxed. Not only had it relaxed but […]
February~
On February 18, Chuck and I would have celebrated 31 years together. It sucks that he’s dead and we can’t rejoice in being together. We wouldn’t have anything necessarily planned. Maybe go out to dinner, wherever we happened to be in our travels. It would have most definitely wrapped up with great sex. Fucking cancer […]