My son Grayson has been Daniel’s “mini me” since birth, and there are so many things about him that are like his dad that it sometimes takes my breath away. The way he walks, talks, thinks, the look on his face when he gets very excited, his look of intense concentration….the list goes on and on. Every once in a while I see a flicker of me, in…
I’ll Never Make It That Far
I remember talking to Michele about 4 and a half years ago about a widow she had met. The woman in question had been a widow for 5 years and she was in a MUCH different place than we were (we were at about 6 months). I very distinctly remember saying I couldn’t imagine surviving this horrible life for 5 years. I remember thinking in my head that…
A long distance dedication
Tomorrow is 5 years. Impossible to comprehend, but true nonetheless. Today’s blog will be a long distance dedication from Daniel to his friends and family. I think if he’d been given the choice (or if I’d had more time to think of it myself), he’d have had this played at his funeral. Jimmy Buffett – Lovely Cruise Drink it up, this one’s for…
Halloween
Halloween…I think as an adult you move past this particular celebration…until you have kids! Since Grayson was old enough to hold his trick or treat bag, Halloween has been one of the more fun holidays of the year. Grayson’s costumes have become gradually more frightening as the years have passed. We’ve moved from pumpkin (4 months) to Wizard…
One baby step at a time…
Well it has happened. Another year has passed. I survived it. This time last year I was lamenting 40 and how impossible it was that I was alive at 40 while Daniel was forever 35. I still feel that angst…he’s 35 and each year I grow older in spite of it. I remember thinking I couldn’t possibly live another year without him…how is it possible…
The Last Picture
Five years ago today we took the last picture. We were on our way home from Disney and a day away from our first appointment at MD Anderson. Of course we didn’t know it was the last picture…that’s why the happiness in those two faces is real.It’s hard to believe it’s been five years. I can close my eyes and it feels like yesterday. It feels like…
Five Years Ago Today
As a young teen, my husband Daniel traveled on Amtrak to St. Louis Missouri with his parents and five siblings. When he spoke of this trip many years later, his fondest memories were of staying up all night in the sleeper car rocking to the rhythmic movements of the train, watching the Texas landscape flash by, playing Gin Rummy as the train…
The Beginning of the March…
This month begins the “death march”. That annual walk down memory lane that takes me from the last family trip we took when he was feeling somewhat healthy, to the 3rd diagnosis, to M.D. Anderson, to a brother’s graduation, to a stressful birthday in the ER, to a series of specialists, to yet another hospital, and finally to a cemetery on a…
Better…
Portions of the following post are from about a year and a half ago…at the time I really thought I was better, and all things considered I was. About three years ago I started joking with Michele that I wanted to wear a black t-shirt with word “bitter” printed on it to identify myself as a bitter widow. She refused to let me, more out of fear…
Escape
I’d like to get on the boat above and sail off into the sunset to a place where I am responsible for nothing and no one needs me. Ever. For anything. Sometimes the pressure of being the “only parent” feels so intense I can hardly bear it. All decisions are made by me, all responsibility is born by me. I have no partner to lean on when I’ve had too…
Time Flies
Last week was the first week of school. Grayson started the 5th grade and is currently enjoying his “senior” status on the elementary school campus. As usual we had our first day ritual, a leisurely breakfast followed by a whirlwind final check of the backpack and self-conscious wardrobe review to check for “coolness”. Last year we walked to…
Fear is powerful
Fear is the voice in your head that tells you things are impossible, the doubts that creep into your mind when you’re up late and the kids are asleep, the voice that tells you that hope is for patsies. Fear is not an emotion that I experience very often. It’s not in my make-up. Call it ignorance, call it bravado, there isn’t much that makes me…