I took a drive last night with the top down. Driving 70 I couldn’t hear anything but the wind and engine. The effect was therapeutic in a white noise way. I emptied my mind and just drifted for a few minutes. What I found there in the roar of the wind was a little piece of myself. I had some “deep thoughts” for a few miles and found that I need…
Thanks for Being You
Grayson and I had a great day on Sunday. A relaxing morning of pancakes and hanging out around the house, followed by a crawfish boil and dinner at my mom’s. As I tucked him in for the night, I hugged him tight and said the words: “thank you for being you”. He asked me what I meant and I told him how much I love him for being just the way he is and…
Uncomfortable
It’s been four and a half years. I have lived 1, 650 days without Daniel Dippel’s voice in my ears, his hand in mine, his presence at my side. I have bought and moved to two different houses and owned two cars he’s never seen. My child has grown 20 inches and advanced 4 grades. I have wrinkles I never dreamed of and traveled to places he’d only…
No Evil?
I’ve had the “get out of jail free card” conversation with more than one friend and more than one fellow widow….I mean really, after all we’ve been through, don’t we deserve a “get out of jail free card?” I think I’ve cried enough, felt dark enough, and struggled enough for an entire lifetime.I’m sure that the fates would not agree with me. The…
Survivors
Relay for Life was this past weekend. This is our 5th year as “Team Dippel” and we’ve got it down to a smoothly orchestrated event. The usual suspects attended and we had a great time walking the track, eating unhealthy snacks, and spending some quality time together.Grayson felt it more intensely this time, recognizing the meaning of the event in…
Everybody Needs Somebody
I was listening to a song this weekend and for some reason I heard a loud message in it that I’ve not heard before. For whatever reason I felt like Daniel was trying to tell me something. Still trying to figure it out, but thought I’d share it here.So here you are now, nowhere to turn It’s just the same old yesterday. You made a promise to yourself…
Time to Be
I had some time this weekend – me time. Me and Michele time if I’m completely truthful, but it was me time just the same. A couple of days with no cares in the world. This weekend it all came together. A sudden realization that the opportunity was there and so was the free airline ticket. The last minute recruitment of a fabulous Grandma to take…
Forty Years Ago Today
Forty years ago today you were born. I think angels must have been singing (or at least giggling) when they bestowed that gift on your parents. If only they’d known what trouble you would get into…they might have been better prepared! :)You: cracked open your brother’s head with a hoe (earned him a few stitches), pinched the dog’s nose with a…
Relapse
Another countdown. 40. Six months ago I celebrated 40. Next week would be Daniel’s 40th. He only made it to 35, and now he’d be 40. Shit. Amazingly enough, I think his birthday is harder for me than my own was. Mine sucked in it’s own special way, but this is different. I’m actually 40. I’m aging. I’m alive. He’s not 40. He’s not aging. He’s not…
If Every Second Counts on a Clock That’s Ticking
It’s a musical Tuesday. This is one that keeps getting stuck in my head, and the meaning of the words isn’t lost on me. I’m sure most of us get it. The question that still remains is this: “what will I do with this knowledge?” I didn’t want to understand this. I’d have rather lived to be much older without the dark knowledge of the shortness of our…
Spring Break!
I should be sitting in one of these chairs this week, it’s spring break. I’m not, but my little guy will be heading to the beach with my parents tomorrow and he’s looking forward to the trip. I am guiltily looking forward to three days on my own. As an only parent I get very few opportunities to do “me things” without having to ask someone’s help…
In it for the Long Haul
For the longest time the question that haunted me was: “why him, why not me?” – for a while, the question was more often “why not take me too?”. Michele and I used to talk about the big black ship that would come pick us up and carry us away to wherever Phil and Daniel were. I told myself I’d jump on that boat and race away without a second…