Five years ago today we took the last picture. We were on our way home from Disney and a day away from our first appointment at MD Anderson. Of course we didn’t know it was the last picture…that’s why the happiness in those two faces is real.

It’s hard to believe it’s been five years. I can close my eyes and it feels like yesterday. It feels like now. Only he’s not here and he hasn’t been for years. It only takes a look at Grayson’s height and the lines in my face to have proof of the passage of time. It’s in our hearts that the time passes so much more slowly. It’s like geologic time. It moves so slowly and grindingly that the passage of time is almost imperceptible.

Who knew in those first few months that passed like decades – so slowly that you thought you’d never survive it…who knew how quickly time would move and suddenly five years would have passed. I remember a conversation with Michele about 4 years ago. I told her I couldn’t imagine making it to 5 years. What would that look like?

Funny thing is that it doesn’t look so different in lots of ways. I am older and so is G. We are happier now than we were 5 years ago, that is certain. We are somewhat peaceful about the path that we are on, although we each have our days of angst and missing Daniel. We talk about it. We wish out loud that he could be alive. We wonder out loud why it all had to happen. We also talk about how great our life is and how lucky we are. It’s a paradox. You’d think with what we’ve experienced neither one of us would feel terribly blessed. We are and we know it. I find hope in that. I believe my little guy does too.