I used to think a lot of things about grief that I don’t think any longer.I used to think that you couldn’t hold two thoughts in your head at one time. Wrong. In the 2 years and 3 months since Chuck died, I’ve realized that I can carry on a conversation and be engaged with others while simultaneously flash-backing in my head to times and…
The W Word~
Widow. It’s a loaded word, isn’t it?I use the word in reference to both women and men, or I write the word widow and just add a slash and an er at the end. Because I’m a bottom line type of person, I appreciated best the definition from Thesaurus.com. Noun: woman with dead husband. That definition suits me primarily because it isn’t…
JesusMaryandJoseph is all I have to Say About This~
What’s weird about this is that I haven’t even entered into the world of dating. And yet I hear from a man I met along the road in my travels, a man who is a widower, a man who is a veteran, who took it upon himself to read something huge into 2 brief meetings over a 2 year period, and, upon realizing that I don’t return his affections, also…
Going Walter Mitty-ish…
These are the facts I’ve accepted recently: Life without Chuck is, if I’m honest about it, painful and traumatizing.In spite of the fact that I fully engage with people daily, involve myself in activities, and travel as a life-style, which means I’m continually in new situations and places, I don’t feel invested in this new life at all. My…
And the Plan is…
Thank goodness for outside observations offered by those loving people who surround me. Thank goodness for their perceptions that are gently offered when all I have to offer is what seems to me to be nothing but confusion. My self-perception is off, skewed, and, generally speaking, not terribly trust-worthy. I feel confused and aimless and the…
Grief and Sex and…what?
Sex and widowhood. I don’t hear much about it but I wonder about it. I wonder about it because I think about it. You probably do too. So I read an article this week about widowers and sex. It was kind of a sexist article, in that it spoke to the belief that widowers seek sex as a panacea to grief, that men tend more to emotions such as anger,…
These Two Years and a Little More~
This new world of widowhood and what is different now, besides everything:I used to love crowds of people and was a great conversationalist. I was good at making people feel comfortable and engaged with them easily. Now it’s really kind of tough for me to be in groups of anything more than 3 or 4 people and that’s usually when it’s family or…
What I Knew, But Don’t Now~
After my mom and brother died within 6 months of each other, back in 1996,I took a year to grieve and then began volunteering with hospice. Over time I studied and took courses on end-of-life issues, bereavement support, spent time with those who were dying, and became formally employed with various hospices. I volunteered at Liberty State Park…
Signs. Believing and…Not~
Chuck used to say to me Miller, get out of your head. You think too much.I still think too much. And you know what I think about most often? Signs. Those signs that we look for after our dearly loved one dies. The signs that everyone assures us are messages from our loved ones. In my head I can totally make logic of many of the signs that, if I…
Just This~
The stars, the moon, the Universe. Something greater and more powerful than I. This is what I need to grasp and know and hold close because I’m foundering within that very Universe. For 24 years I was so certain of where my feet stood, what my life was, and I lived it with passion, appreciating every day of it with my beloved husband. Now that…
Mass Confusion
Quite frequently these days, as I begin my 3rd year without him, I find this particular quote sent to me, or posted on my timeline. Grief is a stage through which we pass and not a place to linger. Okay, I get that. I even agree with it. But it doesn’t help me a damn bit to read it. We are told that grief is an individual process with no…
Catching a Glimpse, I Think~
I’m so sad that Chuck died and I don’t know anymore if it’s sadness that is emptiness inside me or emptiness with sadness and there is a burning wish in my soul to force myself into some semblance of feeling again, of connectedness again. In the last few weeks I’ve caught a glimpse, I think, into the world of soldiers and Marines who return from…