In my heart, I’m carrying all the trauma from those 3 weeks when I went into auto pilot, (as we all do at such a time). Those 3 weeks where I was as present as could be to the best of my abilities as he and I said our goodbyes and my heart broke into pieces that were so huge and so small that they became invisible shards, but 3 weeks where I…
Ahhh…Life….
I ain’t crazy, like I was beginning to think, and like I so often feel. I’m just in a new world. I’m searching for meaning, striving to stitch a new life for myself, stitch my heart and soul into the whole of the Love that he left behind for me. That’s huge but not in the scheme of time and the Universe….right? It just feels…
Stars and the Universe in Jerome~
First of all, I’m so damn glad the holidays are over that it almost makes me see stars swirling around my head, like in the cartoons I remember watching when I was a kid.New Year’s doesn’t count as a holiday for me, not only because it’s been decades since I stayed up for the big countdown, not only because I don’t make New Year’s…
Trying not to Grinch the Holidays~
I feel like such a grinch with the holiday season. Honestly, it was never a big day for me or my husband, especially once the kids left home. The days we celebrated, the days that meant so much to us, were our birthdays~the days we each came into this world~and our anniversary~the day we joined our lives. That wet-blanket feeling of the…
Experimenting at Life~
I’m experimenting. I’m making decisions that go against my nature and against what I’d like to do, and, instead, I’m doing shit that is way out of my comfort zone. These decisions wouldn’t have been outside my comfort zone when Chuck was alive, but they have been, and remain so, now. Grief changes us, doesn’t it?In order to be…
Bearing What isn’t Bearable but is Borne~
How do we bear it? Bear the unbearable, I mean? Husband, wife, lifelong partner…there are so many names and relationships, so many labels that our world uses to describe the love between a man and a woman. Or two people of the same gender. It doesn’t matter, really, does it? It’s just about the love and then it’s about the death of…
Holy…What is~
Today is 2 years since I began my Odyssey of Love, towing my pink-trimmed T@b Teardrop trailer behind my pink car. December 1, 2013. I was riddled with anxiety, never having towed or camped prior to my beloved husband’s death. I knew, even on the night he died, that continuing a life on the road without him would require changes in how we had…
Gratitude, and my Lack Thereof~
This time of year puts an enormous amount of pressure on people in general, doesn’t it? Add in the hugeness of grief and it can be overwhelming in the extreme. Since Chuck’s death, I’ve become a perfect Buddhist. Which is what he was, philosophically speaking. Stay with me here…that wasn’t a random statement. Thanksgiving, or any of…
Be Warned. Capitol Letters Used Frequently~
This is a rhetorical question but one that I just need to write out loud.Don’t all of you wonder, in a dazed and yet horrifyingly clear way, how the FUCK you’ve done this shit? Lived since your dearest beloved died, I mean. Seriously, sometimes I just stop and think holy shit I’ve survived for fill in the blank years without him/her, when I…
One Powerful Word~
At some point we all need to search for what’s good in our lives after the love of our life dies, right? Leaving us behind. So, I’ve thought and thought again about it and there is really little that I would qualify as good enough that it takes away the sharpness of Chuck’s absence from my life. Yes, I have my kids, my grands, family and…
No Matter How Long it is~
…We’ve joked around for a long time about how much we love each other and who loves one another more, and I just want you to know… I love you more. And no matter what, i will always, always be there with you, and no matter how long it is until I see you again…I will see you again. And you remember every day, every day… P.S I love…
To Grief or Not to Grief, and What’s Normal or Not?
My dad died a few days ago. I knew the end was near for him, so I got in my car in Arizona and headed to Colorado. It was a 2 day drive but I figured I’d get some adrenalin going and make it in 1 day. Which I would have except that hail and rain and wind got in the way and I had to stop overnight for safety reasons.I don’t know what it…