Widow's Voice

Be Warned. Capitol Letters Used Frequently~

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This is a rhetorical question but one that I just need to write out loud.

Don’t all of you wonder, in a dazed and yet horrifyingly clear way, how the FUCK you’ve done this shit? Lived since your dearest beloved died, I mean.

Seriously, sometimes I just stop and think holy shit I’ve survived for fill in the blank years without him/her, when I didn’t think I’d survive past the moment he/she died!  How is this possible?

In the great scheme of anything and everything I (we) ever imagined, did you ever believe that you could live for whatever time its been since your loved one’s death?  That you could not only get up and breathe but go back to work, or be retired and stay busy, or raise your kids or I don’t know, find any semblance of sanity again?  And don’t you just want to go to married/partnered, people you might see out in public or even within your own family, who seem to do nothing but argue and say to them shut the fuck up! Do you know your name the relationship could keel over dead any minute and your entire fucking life will incinerate in front of you but you’ll still need to find a way to live because you’re…well, you’re still fucking alive! And you’re arguing with this person you promised to love and honor? Are you fucking crazy?! Picture them dead. Gone. Forever! No more talks together. No more holding hands. No more security. No more kissing. No more sex. No more being someone’s special someone because they’re dead. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Does the finality of this ever just hit you right between the eyes or in your gut and you say holy shit holy fuck how is it possible that I can be alive without him/her?  None of this in a self-pitying way but in an awestruck way that suddenly makes you realize and want to shout out to the fucking world that has continued on and has no clue that your person existed, never mind how devastated you are…that…THIS…This…this…it happened and my world will never, ever, never, be the same and yet I’m supposed to find life again and create a life for myself and I can’t even breathe properly but here I am.  Here I am!  I may not want to be, but HERE I AM!

Do you realize how AWESOME we all are? Not in an arrogant, smirky way but in a genuine, REAL way….WE ARE AWESOME because we’re still here and we’re hanging together and bringing the newly widowed into our circles and reaching out to them, even as we hurt and grieve and we are making our MARK in the world, in spite of, alongside of, and because.

And I just want to say to every single man and woman who reads my Widows blog this week…just in case you aren’t sure or don’t know at all…

EVERY ONE OF YOU ROCKS IN THE MOST AWESOME WAY!

YOU ARE CHAMPIONS EVERY DAY WHEN YOU DECIDE TO PUT YOUR FEET OVER THE SIDE OF THE BED AND STAND UP AGAIN. YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN EVERY DAY!  WE MAKE IT HAPPEN EVERY DAY!

And this particular widow, proud widow of Chuck Dearing, Air Force MSgt (Ret), thanks you from the bottom of my devastated heart~    

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About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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