I really am crazy. I know it. But I must do a fairly good job of appearing not only not crazy but really rational and okay, because nobody else thinks I’m crazy. They would if they knew what my heart really looks like and what the inside of my mind looks like. But none of that is evident on the outside.It isn’t that I’m holding back to any…
This Carrying~
A dear friend and Air Force widow sister said to me last weekend, in response to my endless questions to her about this grief (she’s 6 years out), and time frames and, oh, you know, everything…she said this to me, and I’ve reflected on it in the days since. It isn’t that it goes away. We just get stronger, and we carry it differently.Such…
The Meaninglessness of Time~
I think, often, of time. What it used to mean. What it meant in our hospice time. What it means in the years since my beloved husband died.Chuck and I spent 24 years of time together. Time that we found AA together, raised a blended family, socialized with friends, worked…we spent our time as many couples do. Being busy but never too busy to…
The Good, Bad, Ugly, and Everything in Between~
This is a list. Not a gratitude list necessarily, but a list that does include some good shit, nonetheless. And sometimes it’s easier to write in list form than prose form. This past weekend I had a massive, huge, meltdown/purge/nervous breakdown. Included were earthquake size shakes throughout my body, shallow breathing, sobbing, gut-wrenching…
The Pulse Beat of Love Over Everything Else~
I have to remind myself, as many of us do, I expect, that this widowhood is, as I learned in AA, a matter of progress, not perfection. Because I, for one, consistently seem to expect more of myself than is realistic. By which I mean, I continually scan my body and mind and heart to see where I am in this grief and why I’m not further along, even…
This Seemingly Never-ending Road~
Is it just me? I wonder, even as I know it isn’t just me. Logically and because I literally know otherwise, it isn’t just me. There’s a boat load of men and women through time immemorial who have lived this shit that I’m living, that we’re all living. And yet, my brain doesn’t let up about it.Why are you still so traumatized, Alison?…
On Being Cherished…and Kissed…
I was cherished in this life. Cherished by a man who determined, from the time of meeting, that I was the one for him. Cherished by a man who set out to show that love to me each and every day of our lives together, in word and deed.This is the time, 3 years ago, that my beloved husband, Chuck, and I, began, so very unknowingly, our final 2 months…
What Would you do, do you Think?
Your husband dies. Or your wife. But to keep this simple, we’ll say your husband and you, the reader, can change it as needed, as you ponder the following situation…Anyways, you deal with the death and grief as best you can, going on with your life…and 5 years later, when you think you’re okay, in whatever way that means to you, you…
Just Dance. Just Drive. Just Talk and Just Be.
In no time at all, I’ll be going back on the road. Launch date: May 1 at the latest. My intention is to stay out on the road this time. I’ll visit friends and family, but will stay in my T@b Teardrop, PinkMagic, primarily. I’ve missed the coziness of her, the cocoon that she is to me.This time in Arizona has been what I needed it to…
The Language of Goodbyes~
Goodbyes. This word. What does it mean to you? And does it mean something different now than it did before your special someone died?As my beloved husband and I drove this great country of ours, I sought a different word to use. Goodbye sounded so final, as if we’d never again see whoever it was we were leaving. Family or friends..it was just…
The Never-Ending Dance~
It is commonly understood, or acknowledged, that there is time and possibility for goodbyes when a person is terminally ill, as opposed to when there is a sudden death. I used to believe that.Yes, the words might be whispered from one to the other on a deathbed, or they might be breathed into the ears of the one you love as your hands clasp, but…
The Lovely Dance of Grief~
Tuesdays used to be only about writing my WV blog. Now they’re also about my EMDR sessions, so please bear with me as my brain and heart work overtime.Who knew that guilt could beat so strongly in me? Me, who loved my husband Chuck dearly, me who showed that love to him continually? He knew I loved him and told me frequently how much that…