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Grief and Sex and…what?

Posted on: June 24, 2015 | Posted by: Alison Miller

Sex and widowhood.  I don’t hear much about it but I wonder about it. I wonder about it because I think about it.  You probably do too.

 

So I read an article this week about widowers and sex. It was kind of a sexist article, in that it spoke to the belief that widowers seek sex as a panacea to grief, that men tend more to emotions such as anger, brooding silence and isolation as they grieve. As a woman, I was offended for them.  It isn’t that they don’t, but, I think, so do women.  Along with every other emotion in the book, as we grieve. But that isn’t even really my point…

To quote: “When it comes to sex,” he writes, “most widowers find themselves in a tough spot. When their wife passed on, so did regular sex. The desire for sex is one of the reasons widowers start dating again.”

Where do we widows stand in this? When our husbands died, so did regular sex. And I can see it as a reason widows start dating again. I’ve given thought to it as a reason and why wouldn’t I? My husband and I shared a very passionate relationship as lovers and I miss it horribly. I miss the intimacy of it, the wildness of it, the love that drove it. 

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About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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