This week I’m all over the place, both geographically and emotionally. It took me a week plus a few days to get from Camp Widow in Tampa, back here to Arizona. In that time, I hit highs and lows, some of them to be so expected that it is given a name “Camp crash”. Additionally, tomorrow would be my and my husband’s 25th wedding…
Never Alone
I just finished my first Camp Widow and I’m on my way back to Arizona to see our oldest son get married. As soon as Camp finished, I hopped in PinkMagic and headed north to the Panhandle and turned west. All of which is to say…I haven’t even begun to filter through the experience of meeting so many beautiful people, men and women who are…
Not this…But, oh yes, This
Grief illiteracy has been on my mind quite a bit in the last couple weeks. Even if you don’t know that term, you’ll know what I mean when I tell you about my face-to-face with it. And you’ll nod your head and say to yourself (or to the room in general)….oh, yes….I keep a personal blog in addition to writing for Widows Voice, and I have for…
And Then There was Love
I’m almost in Tampa for Camp Widow, arriving early from Arizona. This has been a long road trip for me, and taxing in a different way from my previous travels, emotionally. Perhaps it’s the knowing that this really will be for me, as so many have assured me, a life-changing weekend. This grief is exhausting and I want it to shift for me but…
An Odyssey Towards Camp Widow
There is no getting around the silence. It’s tangible and fraught with emotions. We can dress it up however we wish, but the silence that consumes every corner after our beloveds die is, almost, as palpable as their presence once was.I’m on the road again, headed to Camp Widow in Tampa, driving PinkMagic. My intention is to stay primarily at…
Of Shoes and Ships and Universes and…
I watched “Interstellar” at the movies a few days ago and came away agitated. It’s a movie that deals with our loved ones existing in parallel universes. Multi-dimensional worlds where we and our loved ones exist on different planes, with real possibilities of communication between the two.Last week I wrote in my blog about researching this…
Will the Stars and Moon Answer Me?
Even while I’m engaged in various activities, my mind’s eye, my heart’s eye, is searching for something that will ring a bell of recognition within me. Something that will make my heart say oh, that’s what I’ve known all along and didn’t remember I knew! That something that will ease some of the devastating ache of my soul and heart and body.
Marriage Rings and Heart Strings
It’s a topic written about and commented upon, frequently. Little circles, made of gold or silver, encrusted with stones or plain. Maybe engraved. Little circles that symbolize so much. For such a tiny thing, they can wield so much power. Mine did. I loved being married to my husband. I loved our passion, I loved our friendship, I…
Widow Confusion
Widowhood is confusing to me. I suppose every huge life change is, for those in the midst of it. My mind whirls with thoughts of my husband’s final days, his death, leaving southern California in my rear view mirror, driving away from him, being out on the road without him…the memories, and the pain that go with those memories, are strong and…
A Step Up from Suffication
I reached a crisis point in my grief late last week. It was as if all the agony and devastation that lingers right under my skin suddenly became the surface of my skin and I felt like a wild animal that howls its’ pain to the night skies. It didn’t help that I’d been ill for almost a week, a vicious flu that tore up my body in every way possible.
This Dark Night of the Soul
This particular blog is one I don’t plan on editing or changing in any way. It’s completely raw writing from the darkness of this night that I’m in. I came in off the road not quite a week ago, right before Thanksgiving. My PinkMagic trailer is parked outside my son’s house here in Arizona. He recently moved in with his girlfriend, soon to be…
Read Patiently. There is an Actual Point
It’s turned out, for me, to be all about the hair. I didn’t intend it to play out like this; it just has. Shortly after Chuck died, I cut my hair off to the scalp. Short, short, short. First scissors then a razor. It was done in a violent manner, in a way that I hoped would allow me to release some of the devastating pain of his forever…