He strides through my mind on a daily basis. My heart yearns for the Love I felt so strongly with him. My soul remembers back to the years we shared. My body yearns for his hands upon it. It’s been 5 years and 3 months since he left my world. I’m in love with a dead man. I can almost hear the shrieks of dismay and shock and see people draw back…
Get Along, Grief Shamers
Along about the second year, definitely going into the third and then the fourth…I just wanted to scream at people. Not in anger, but in shredded grief and pain… Why can’t you just let me be sad? Why does it feel like I must defend myself against you? Why does it then feel like I have to defend my grief even to myself? Why does it feel like I…
Heart and Soul
When your heart and soul are just so tired, 5 years in. Not for any particular reason, really. Everything is pretty much the same as it’s always been. Even when life is routine, my spirit is tired. And, yes, life on the road can be routine. Tired from doing and being and all the stuff that comes from living a life that is so achingly and…
This Pink Anniversary
Today, Tuesday, is an anniversary of sorts for me. It isn’t an anniversary connected to Chuck, since it happened after he died. And yet, it is entirely connected to him. Because today is the day, 5 years ago, that I picked up my new Ford Escape from the garage, and the man, I’d taken it to after buying it from the dealer. I took it directly…
I Live for Love
Most weeks, when I write my Wednesday contribution, I have little to no idea of what I might write. What I need to write. I think, as I start, okay, I’m going to write about this, and I open the document and my fingers still over the keyboard because, nope, that’s not what I need to write about. I allow my mind to go blank. I turn on what I…
Your Death, My Amnesia
You exist in my world in all the ways you existed when you breathed the air that I breathed. And none of them. Your image is finally strong again in my mind and heart. I didn’t remember it for almost 5 years. I didn’t feel you. I didn’t see you. You disappeared from me that night you took your last breath. The night I took my last breath, in…
These Shades of Pink
Chuck wants me to tell you he wouldn’t leave you without a road map. He wants you to be aware of the markers he’s left for you, both physical and metaphysical. Whatever you’re doing, keep on doing it. You’re on the right track. Did you know that you’re surrounded by so many angels that I can’t even count them? You’re protected. These…
What is Holy
The month of May looms large in my heart and soul, as I remember back to that May day in 2009 when Chuck and I began our Happily Homeless travels, after selling our house and belongings, and our last 4 years together as we adventured around the country…remembering that April night in 2013 when our adventures ended as he took his last breath and I…
Living With Duality
Our world is unforgiving of those who grieve, Those who mourn. We get a bit of time initially, of course. Mostly, anyways. Thankfully. But, too soon, we hear through words unspoken and spoken, Through actions of those we know, or don’t know… That we must be different than we are. Be this or that, Something other than what our heart and soul is…
My Beloved
My beloved, How thin, or thick, is the veil Between your world and mine? Is there a world for you? Or did you just disappear into nothingness? Are there alternative worlds in which You and I exist at a different time? Still together, still living our lives, Living and loving passionately, Instead of me, living here, alone, Feeling all that…
Love, In Time
Where, my Beloved, did you go,That long-ago night when you left me?Where did you go,That darkest of nights forever ago,But yesterday?Watching as your chest quivered in and out,Until it quite simply…didn’t.And my heart that was your heart that was my heart again, and yours,Shattered and splintered,Even as it crystalized into nothingness and…
Missing Him on 40
I’m on the road again. I left Arizona, headed to Arkansas, a few days ago. Or maybe it was a week ago, now. I’m kind of tired after driving some long ass days. Tune up on my car. New tires, brakes on my rig, PinkMagic, fixed. Our daughter was road tripping to Arkansas with me, to see the opera camp where I work for the summer. It’s my second…