5 years and 9 months into this life without Chuck, I may have, Possibly Gone over the edge. It’s a matter of opinion, I suppose. Our world that is so critical and judgemental of how we grieve, Those who tend to be uncomfortable with others who refuse to play the game of life their understood way… Well, they might think I’ve gone over the edge.
Sunshine and Roses. Not~
I’m 5 years and 9 months into life without Chuck. I don’t think I’m supposed to call it that. Life without Chuck, I mean. I think I’m supposed to structure it, this life after him, in a more positive manner, according to society at large. Whatevs. The one thing I’ve done really well since Chuck died is be real about this widowed life shit. And it…
A Hall of Memories~
You and I, my Love, We… Are echoes in the halls of memories. In lands far away and beyond the clouds so beautifully and achingly tinged with vibrant colors, I search for you.Green tinged mountains with trees so tall they reach up into and beyond those clouds, Valleys of rock that jut sharply into one another and, if I squint my eyes, become…
Exclamations and Tildes~
Yes, tildes are a thing. Unlike exclamation points, which everyone learns in grade school, you probably won’t recognize the term, though you might very well recognize the symbol itself. Lest you think this is a blog about grammar, let me clarify my why of writing about grammar points. Both of them have played a significant role in my life for the…
Wandering~
I wander quite frequently. It’s mostly what I’ve done, and what I do, in this widowland. For 5 years and counting now. Physically and mentally…I wander. Physically, in that I’ve spent these years since the death of my beloved husband wandering the country in my pink car, towing my equally pink T@b Teardrop trailer behind me. Mentally, in that my…
To Infinity, and Beyond~
I was sick during the entire 12 days of Christmas. And counting. I lost last Tuesday, thinking it was still Monday, when it was actually Wednesday. Also, I thought last year was 2019 already. I’m so out of it. I could blame illness. Widows Fog. General lack of interest in Time itself. So many things. What I choose to blame is that my creative brain…
I Got Nothin’~
This may or may not end up being something. My brain is tired. So is my heart. I think I’m coming down with a cold. Family arrives tomorrow for the holidays. After I finished my workamping gig at the opera camp, I stayed here in Arkansas, visiting with my son and his family. I’ve taken some road trips in the past couple months that I’ve been…
Widowed and Scary~
Widows scare people, I think. Even if they (we) are ordinary in appearance. No warts on our long noses. No narrow, scraggly, fingers with sharp nails (for poking). Oh, wait. I’m describing witches.We do (sometimes) wear black though. Like witches in the storybooks do. And I do believe that we frighten people. Family people and strangers people.
Widow Energy~
Dark energy. It makes one think of vampires and shadows and the like. Shrouds. Winding cloth. Long cloaks that one swirls dramatically over the shoulder. I’ve been told that I carry dark energy. The imagery that came to mind when I was told that is Pigpen, from Peanuts. You know, the little boy who wanders through the cartoon squares with a dark…
Remembering Barely~
I wrote this on a night when the moon blazed so brightly in the sky… “I remember, barely now, because it’s been so long, the feel of my hand in Chuck’s. His hand so strong and firm around mine. His hand gave me a feeling of comfort, of protection, of belonging… a sense of order in my Universe. As the nights grow colder now, as the moon shimmers…
Always Learning~
I’ve been on the road quite a bit in the last few weeks, visiting my NJ community. Not towing my trailer, because, you know, weather, and I’m on my way west to Arkansas now, for Thanksgiving. All of which is to say… I listen to podcasts as I drive. History podcasts, philosophy, widow stuff, life stuff. You name it, and I listen to it. And I just…
Random Things I’ve Learned~
Life isn’t always a walk through the fucking tulips. Which is not a new concept for me, in widowhood; I learned this hard lesson in 1996 when my younger brother, Kysa, died, followed by my mom 6 months later. Cancer cured me of the walk through the tulips perception. My husband’s death only solidified this realization. The people I appreciate in…