Most times I have no idea what I’ll write for this blog, ahead of time. Sometimes I swear that I have nothing to say and no ideas and I think I just have to give up writing here. I have no more thoughts about widdahood. But I’ve also realized that ideas come from the most unexpected places. I can be out and about and hear a phrase from strangers…
Idle Thoughts, Leaving 2017, Going into 2018~
I’m so fucking relieved to say goodbye to 2017. Our daughter told me that 2017 was as hard for her, harder in some ways, than the year right after her dad died. It was harder for me, too, not for any one reason in particular, really. Maybe because our entire world seems on edge. I’ve always told our kids that, no matter the state of the…
Knowing the Unknown and Beyond~
I stare into the distance of everything and nothing many times during a day’s measure, And, as I stare, I see everything and I see nothing I feel everything so much that I feel nothing.Pain and grief have morphed into emptiness Which is funny and humorous except not Because my life is incredibly full With family, with new friends and old Driving…
As this Odyssey of Love Expands~
My rig, PinkMagic. I bought her brand new following Chuck’s death. I had to find a way to continue the life that Chuck and I lived on the road. Emotionally, I just couldn’t bear to do it in the way that he and I did for 4 years; staying at lodging on military bases, and at inexpensive hotels. How tragically sad would it be…a country western…
More Powerful Than a 4 Letter Word~
Widow. It’s a loaded word, isn’t it? I use the word in reference to both women and men, or I write the word widow and just add a slash and an er at the end. Because I’m a bottom line type of person, I appreciated best the definition from Thesaurus.com. Noun: woman with dead husband. That definition suits me primarily because it isn’t…
Shattered Glass and Dust Motes~
This shattered glass strewn around my feet, under my feet, Glass that was once my leaping joyous joyful heart, Shattered as I shared a last breath with my beloved. Turned into a meat slicer roosting in my chest, Where my heart once beat in rhythm with his. His. Now forever stilled.And mine? Still beating. Somehow, and mysteriously. My heart that…
Dreaming On, and Singing this New Life to Me~
I finally had a moment to watch Michele’s keynote address from Toronto this week. As always, it touched me to my bones. It made me stop and consider, in my own life…what dreams did Chuck and I have? Have I continued his dream? Have I dreamed my own dreams? And, as I considered, my hand drifted down to my right leg, where, on the outside…
This Particular and Peculiar Sense of Non-being~
There is a particular and peculiar loneliness of the sort that cannot be imagined for its’ overwhelming and enveloping totality, that strikes me when I am in a crowded room with those who are familiar to me, or not. It’s a loneliness whose depth is equal to the surge of desire I would feel as I rose on my tiptoes to meet Chuck’s lips in a…
Ghost Dancing into Our Forever~
I will sing you to me. As the days and moments and years pass by, I will sing you to me. As I gaze up at the mighty Universe each night, From wherever my pink trailer happens to park, I will sing you to me.As my heart wanders this land, Seeking you, not finding you But wishing desperately to connect with you and to you, Somewhere, anywhere,…
A Day Like Every Other. Except~
Today was an ordinary day like every other day has been since Chuck died. Except that, today, I finally made a decision that I need to move my body. I need to get stronger. I need to move. I’m 4.5 years since my world incinerated, and every so often I’ve made concentrated attempts at exercising. Honestly, I can always find excuses to not work…
Unanswered Questions, and Other Stuff~
I guess one of the fallouts of living in the widow hood, is that we end up in our heads way too frequently, asking questions of ourselves, and of life, about life, ruminating on life in general. The inside of my brain is a continual hamster wheel. These are some of the things I wonder, the questions I ask, of myself. Mostly rhetorically, because…
Nine D’s and a C~
Words. I think about words in this widowed life. How can I, how do I, describe this widow life? What word best describes this widow life? It’s difficult to find that one word, isn’t it, because there are so damn many that apply, to this widow life. Dislocated. Discombobulated (that’s my fave), disoriented, disengaged, disturbed, disconnected,…