as i walked up the hill today, i stared at our house… liz fucking loved this place. fell in love with it the second she saw it.it’s hard to look at, knowing that she can’t enjoy it with us. we got to our stairs and i didn’t want to go inside. for some reason i just couldn’t do it. i pulled madeline from her stroller and took a few…
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Tears Still Come ….
….. even when someone new enters your life. There is no cure for grief. No answer. No person. No miracle. It must be traveled through.I discovered that this week. I am definitely having more good days than bad days. But the bad days still come. I think they will always come …. though they will be fewer and farther in between. I am happier…
I Will Try to Fix You
I love this song and the message it holds. As long as I’m clear on what the word “fix” means to me in this concept. If “fixing” means that I am broken and someone has the magical fairy dust that will make me “happy” and make me “forget”, than I don’t like this song a bit. On the other hand if “fixing” means you will love me, accept me for who I am…
I’ve Got The Memories
From a song from the movie, Prince Caspian. I have heard it many times before.Tonight I HEARD it.i’ve got the memoriesalways inside of mebut i can’t go backback to how it wasi will leave nowi’ve come too farno I can’t go backback to how it wasooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooi’m moving forwardso every day startswith a magic sparki’ve got my hopes…
2010
Well, it’s 2010. I remember going into 2008 without Michael. It was the first year in which no history or memories would include him, a year in which reality took its place next to me on my throne of grief. It’s funny how my mind also worked in ways to revert back to a time when he was still living. I’d sign checks with 2007, set dates with friends…
Entering the New Year
Grief has changed my perception of time. Ever since Phil died I have found myself wondering each New Year’s Eve where the last year has gone, and some years wondering how I managed to survive the waves and sucker punches that grief delivered on a very regular basis throughout the previous year. And yet I have survived: one year, one month, one day,…
a new year
31st.last day of the year.i wonder how it’s gonna feel, leaving this one behind?probably not as goodas i hoped.heading out for the dayit was cold.really cold.and for the firsttime in a long time i hadto take offliz’srings so i couldwear some gloves.i put themin my camera bag,imagining what iwould do ifi forgot the bag somewhere. our new…
Lordy Lordy Look Who’s 40!
Forty and fabulous, for sure!! There is no doubt in my mind that this birthday may be one of the best ever for our wonderful Michele. I soooo wish I could be there, but if it is humanly possible to be there “in spirit” – I’m there.I had to change this post a little because of Michele’s post from yesterday. Her life in pictures is a great way to…
A Mending Heart
Yes, I can feel my heart mending. Not healing, really, because I don’t think it will ever be completely healed, but it will mend and have a permanent scar upon it. But in the mending process I’m also finding out that it’s growing a bit larger. You see, I have met someone and we are truly enjoying each other’s company and learning to care for each…
My Screensaver Moment
The other night as I was wrapping gifts in my office, I glanced up at my computer screen. My screen saver is a slide show of all the photos saved on my computer. Each new photo brought a smile to my face as the last few years of parties, milestones, and random poses of family and friends lit up my desktop. While the images of newborns and…
Daffodils
I am like the daffodils that are blooming in my back yard (yes they bloom 2x a year in LA. I thankfully bloom more often.)I crumble, letting the dirt and cold beat down on my brightness, making me floppy and weak, causing me to brown and shrivel. I go within too tired to care anymore. It is there I find the sustenance, the nutrients, all that I…
A Stocking Full of Memories
Last Christmas my family started incorporating Michael back into Christmas by filling a stocking full of gift-cards, gadgets and more that Michael would have loved….but I could use. It was heart warming to see them remember and bring to life some of his favorite things and places from memories passed.This year my family arrived and handed over…