Today is my birthday. I am 42 years old, three years older than Phil was when he died six years ago (crazy to think he would be 46 right now!). My first birthday without him I remember wishing time could just stand still. I didn’t want to age without him;I didn’t want to celebrate being alive with birthday songs and presents; and I didn’t want to…
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Is It Just Me ….
…. or does anyone else ever feel like moving away and starting over? From everyone that knew them “before” …. and from all of those friends who can’t seem to see you as anything but “different” ….. and it all seems to get worse as time goes on? I have now passed the 4 year mark. This is my life. I am no longer married. I am single. I get…
2 down, 48 to go…
Christmases without Greg, that is. Given my long-lived female relatives, I know I can expect to see the age of 90 if not 100 years old. (Longevity seems to be a heritable trait in my family … as does early widowhood.) Which means 48 more Christmases to endure even with the more conservative estimate…. …and I don’t want to do another single…
I Think I Do
It’s so strange how much easier the holidays were than I expected. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy, just easier than expected. I’ve been feeling almost spooked by the lack of horrific pain I’ve felt in the last week or so leading up to Christmas.For one thing, Dave and I never made a big deal out of Christmas. We’d hit his parents’…
Speaking to the Ghost of Christmas Past
The day Phil died, my world was irrevocably changed. No amount of crying, wishing, or begging could switch my new reality back to the reality of what seems like only moments ago. The first Christmas without him, I sat on the coach alone watching the kids open gifts that only I chose, purchased, wrapped, and stowed under the tree…barely able to…
Cheers!
I’ll start today with a few toasts to the holidays! Cheers! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! and drum roll please…..Death still Sucks! Two more days til Christmas, and as usual….I’m not ready yet. I still have a shopping list, I’ve still not wrapped my gifts, and I haven’t watched all the movies I want to see or drank all the eggnog in the…
Sticky Toffee
I’m on my way to pick up the kids at preschool and decide to stop at Panera to grab a decaf with extra, extra cream and no sugar. I wait in line thinking about all that I have accomplished in my kid-free two and a half hours when I hear the woman in front of me order a Sticky Toffee cookie. I’m transported back in time.I’m in England…
A Date By Any Other Name ….
(Post pre-explanation & warning: I wrote this post for my personal blog …. on Sunday, the 18th, the 4th year date of Jim’s death. This date, this year, was no easier for me than the previous 3. I still cried. I still wished that I were the one who was not left behind. I am still crying, and I think I may forever be wishing. And yet…
Things I don’t miss about Christmas
Warning – my brand of humour follows. I think I’m funny. You may disagree. I feel short-changed. For years, we would debate about whose family home we would spend Christmas in. …. my parent’s home with their clean, relatively modern furniture, good food, great company and pleasant atmosphere … or with his large, loud, argumentative family…
My Dreams
I’ve been haunted by anxiety lately. Everything feels so unsettled right now. Someone extremely close to my heart is facing a scary health problem. I’m forging ahead in this new life, not knowing what I’m doing or where I’m going. The holidays are looming. I wake up several times a night with a racing heart and mind. My thoughts immediately go to…
Open Wound
I wish I could report days of happiness and joy. But I can’t. I feel like I am walking around with an open wound. It’s been like this throughout the whole holiday season. This year feels worse than the past two years. Why am I crying so much? I suppose I can answer my own question. Michael loved Christmas. He loved Christmas not because he had so…
With You
I’m stubborn. I’m sarcastic. I say things like I see them. I bottle up my emotions. I’m a fireball. He was laid back. He laughed at my sarcasm. He’d correct me when I was wrong. He made me express my emotions. He cooled me down when things got hot. Michael was most definitely not the same as me. He was the opposite. He was perfect for someone like…