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Stop Rushing Towards The Grief

Posted on: September 3, 2022 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

I distinctly remember being in the 5th grade and saying:

“Just 7 more years until I graduate. Then it’s college and dolphin training. Hang in there Bryan, it’s just 7 more years.”

I wanted to be free of the bullying and I wanted my dream job, so I wished for time to tick by faster. I was young and time was wasted on me worrying to get away into my future. What I wasn’t aware of (or blissfully ignorant about) was that the future always brings both the better and bereaved days.

The young don’t realize the Ying and Yang of joy and grief is inevitable. I never slowed down to live in the moment because I was always placing the greatest moments ahead of me. I can’t wait for later, tomorrow, next week, next month, the next vacation, next holidays, when I don’t have to work so hard but until then I’ll just keep thinking of “the then” not “the now”. That’s an exhausting way to live. Here I am a few months from 44 but how did I get here so fast?

I rushed all that time to become an animal caregiver and after 23 years, tomorrow is my last day. I spent so much of my life dedicated to achieving my “dream job” that I forgot to live the other parts of life. I can honestly say that this decision is entirely driven by my losses at such an early age. I was only 38 when my father passed away. I was widowed just 10 months later and ever since those losses, I tried to understand who I am. My career in animal care has always defined me and was the only thing that I thought made me valuable to everyone, including myself.

“You have the best job.”

“This is my friend. He works with penguins.”

“You’re that aquarium guy.”

The past year has brought me immense blessings, a chance to realize I’m more than my job. Life is not supposed to be a chase, it’s supposed to be an experience. I know that there will be a grieving period not having those animals in my life daily but at the end of my life I won’t be surrounded by the penguins I’ve raised. I’ll long to have just one moment more with all the people I’ve loved.

My widowed wisdom is yet again showing a gift grown from my grief – a true awareness of who I am and how I want to live the rest of my life. I am more than the guy who takes care of animals. I am a fiancé, a brother, an uncle, a son, a nephew, a cousin, a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a dancer, a bad joke teller, a kind person, authentic, honest, full of hope and happiness.

Time doesn’t wait for anyone, and our days are numbered but I’m done wishing for the future to show up faster because the future holds both joys and grief. I’m just grateful that I’ve learned what I know now – Stop Rushing Towards The Grief.

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Without Children, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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