Widow's Voice

All in Grief Time

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After 23 years of effort, I’m leaving the field of animal care. I’m turning in my whistle and taking off my watch.

A career with animals I dreamed to hold as a kid. Biology degree with minors in chemistry and behavioral psychology. I poured my heart, mind and passion into competing for minimum wage all for “the dream job” with dolphins, penguins, sea lions and hundreds of other animals.

For years, I struggled with difficult schedules, no weekends, working holidays and limited vacation time at some facilities because “the operation wouldn’t allow 3 consecutive days off.”

“No dad I can’t be home this year. I know it’s been awhile. They can’t give me the days.”

I missed 10 years of holidays with my dad. He died and I won’t ever get any more with him but it’s a “dream job” right?

“Are you coming home for dinner soon?” Clayton asked me that regularly and my response was I needed to give the animals more time. I didn’t realize that the animals would be here past April 16, 2018 but Clayton wouldn’t be. Now I’m widowed but it’s a “dream job” right?

This year I got engaged to a wonderful man. I’ve been given a second chance when many don’t even get a first. However, the past few months I have answered texts from him “I’ll be at work longer” and when my mom asks about the holidays I’ve had to say “I’m not sure this year.”

My losses will no longer let me accept the society forced “9 to 5” norms. I felt deep regret for my past “next times” and started feeling resentment for my future “I can’ts”. Perhaps if I hadn’t lost Clayton and my dad, I would be more compliant to freely give away my time but grief brings the gifts of awareness and gratitude.

So what’s next? Since Clayton passed, I had to grow a second job which blossomed into something I can lean into on my timeline. I’d like to start changing societies mindset on the term “dream job”. Stating someone has a “dream job” negates their actual work and the sacrifices that come along with it. We have to work to live but at what point is work actually stopping you from living?

Growing through grief I realize that happiness, joy and no regret at the end of my days is the real dream. Tomorrow isn’t promised. Most of my life I have been told (and believed) that my only value was as “the cool animal trainer”. This past year has proven that my life and I have much more value. I wish I had learned this when I was younger but I guess I had to learn it all in grief time…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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