The holiday season is on me – not upon me, but really ON me – like a rash…I’m totally covered up. 😉 I’m not complaining, it is the fun things that are burying me, too many parties, too many friends, too much love. Clearly you can never have too many friends or too much love. My cup is Niagara Falls.This year is a different one from the previous…
Widowed and New Love
Wonder Woman Returns
On Tuesday night, I went on a second date dressed as Wonder Woman. I know…right?!The back story: We tried to get together and then he was making cracks via email about how busy I am and then he asked if I was out saving the world, or something like that. He made a joke about my invisible airplane. His last comment to me before we met was…
Value Added
I said good bye to this guy a few days ago. Actually what I said was, “Let’s just call this what it seems to have turned into, a friendship.…”I did it in an email cause I tried to break it off once before over the phone and I moronically then asked him if he wanted a second chance (I KNOW!!! I KNOW…not my finest moment in the newly…
I’m different
It’s been 5 years. In that 5 years I’ve changed in so many ways. I’m still the same old me, but different. Daniel didn’t know this me. The one that survived his loss, the one that has been raising our child by myself. The one that bears the burden of making it all happen, all day, every day.You’d think it would make me more serious, all of this…
If You Weren’t Dead
Over the past five years any time that I have done something that I believe Phil would have either actively disliked (getting a tattoo) or probably didn’t appreciate (leaving his ashes in a locked safe for three years) I have used this phrase, “Well then you shouldn’t have died,” to justify my behavior.This phrase when looked at from another angle…
crushing
I have a crush. A sweet, secret, hang-out-with-our-kids-at-the-park, crush.When I see him, my heart does its best impersonation of a two year old having a spastic temper tantrum. I worry when I’m in his vicinity, that I act too eager. Talk too fast. Stare too intently into his kind, blue eyes. Fear that I may spontaneously transform into a giggly…
Wild Crazy Lonely Shame
I’m lonely. For several weeks I have been breathing in loneliness and exhaling it too. It soaks me in its wet, heavy haziness. Every time I look anywhere, there is a couple, together, sharing a joke, a small gentle familiar kiss, a rest of a familiar hand on the small of a back, the lack of space between themand all I can do was sigh. When will…
Contradictions
Over the past month or so I have introduced Michael as my husband in a variety of circles. The responses to the word “husband” have been fascinating to me. When we are out with a group of friends or new acquaintances, the response is enthusiastic and congratulatory. These folks are just happy to see love in action. When in the company of people…
Fear Not
Pallas is on the phone with my mom. “Well we talk about things like regret. Like if I had to do it over, I would be nicer to my dad.” she explains what they discuss in her kids support group. “Mom” says Langston who is in my doorway. It’s 10:47. I was asleep. “I have a confession. Well it’s not a confession, its….” I pause, while…
“The Widow”
At Church on Saturday evening we heard a reading from the Bible that included a widow. As the lector read the word “widow,” she changed the inflection of her voice. Later, during the sermon, our priest talked at length about the widow in the parable we’d just heard. Every single time he said the word, I cringed. He changed his tone too. There was…
Don’t Die
“Hi, it’s me. I forgot to ask you to be sure you ride in the second or third car of the train. Thanks.” “Wow, you are awfully close to the side of the road. Don’t get hit by a car.” “Bike ride? Um, sure that sounds like a good idea. Are you going out alone?” “Hi, you said you’d be home around three and it is three-thirty now. Just checking in.
The Grass Isn’t Always Greener ….
…. just because you’re in a relationship. Most relationships have their bumps and turns. But throw in two widowed people, their children (8, with & without teenage hormones), the difference in the time of their widowedness (6 1/2 years) and the grief that each still carries ….. and you don’t just have a few bumps and turns. You have a…