On April 8, 2015, the strong, steadfast, honourable, mighty, kind, dedicated-to-the-safety-of-the-country, 46 year young Ben Saint-Onge, known as “The Titan,” was told that he had cancer. A rare and incurable type of cancer that chooses it’s prey without rhyme or reason. Just bad luck, they say. You fucking think? Ben and I had shared…
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Where Does It Go?
Where do they go? The memories that you shared with your partner, your person. The moments, that existed, only between you and he, that now exist, only inside your heart. That time, that place, that way he used to tilt his head to the side or fold his arms across his chest when he was looking at me like I was nuts. Or the way he…
Dusky Nights into Morning~
I am without him. I say this without pity. It’s more of a sense, even these 4 years later, of disbelief. It’s still surreal. Sometimes I imagine him as a hologram, striding towards me…Nights are for sleep but they are also when my mind opens up as my body strives to relax past the exhaustion of a day spent being present and open to life.
My Final Blog
For the past year I have been lucky enough to share my life and thoughts with you all. My time as come to end, another chapter finished. It has been a blessing to have the opportunity to write for such an amazing organization. And although the point may have been to help those getting through one of the hardest times of their life, this has really…
New Love, This Love
So, almost exactly 6 years after my husband’s sudden death, and after about 2 years of endless dating and even more endless heartache, I have met someone. Not just someone. THE one. Or, as Michele refers to love after loss: “my next great love.” He has finally arrived, and isn’t it about damn time? It is very early on in our relationship (2 weeks…
Lessons Learned. But Not What You Think~
Apparently there are great gifts to be found in profound loss. Or so we’re told. I suppose it’s true for some people. We’re told it’s an opportunity to become more compassionate or more aware or become kinder to those around us. Hopefully most people are already both those things but maybe not. Maybe numerous people live their lives unconsciously.
Sending Wishes to Heaven
Every holiday has its dark moments especially with the kids. You always feel like they are missing out on something no matter how great you make it. Father’s Day may be the worse. The first one after Joey passed was only a month after. I was still very numb and couldn’t even bring it to myself to wish my father a happy Father’s Day. I choose to…
Who will never forget you?
Most will forget the way you wore your hair and your favourite items of clothing. They will forget your tattoos and the way you smelt when you drenched yourself in cologne or perfume. They will forget the way you walked, the way your body moved among theirs, they will forget your movements. Yes, all of your mannerisms. They will forget the sound of…
Grief Terrors
After my husband died, I spent a whole lot of time grieving. And existing. And just trying to breathe. In and out. Sometimes more in than out. Sometimes hyperventilating. Sometimes forgetting that oxygen is a thing. Make it through that hour, that minute, that day. Whole lot of time spent sitting in his car that I was left with, in the university…
Idle and Random Thoughts about Life in Grief~
In life, in culture, we are encouraged to connect with others, with community. As girls, we imagine who we’re going to marry (a high percentage of us anyways). Who will we fall in love with? We date, fall in love, get engaged, marry, and build a deep connection to our person, and society applauds us. Then our person dies and we’re…
I wear my heart on my arm
Everyone has their own kind of therapy when someone they love passes. Mine was tattoos. It was nice to sit in a room and feel a different kind of pain, a kind that I could control. Physical pain seems to be so much easier than mental pain. So over the course of six months I filled my entire left arm with different things that reminded me of Joey.
Pay it Forward for Don Shepherd Day …..
…is just one month away. July 13th, 2011, is the day that rocked my world forever. That is the day that my dear, sweet husband died very suddenly of a massive heart-attack at age 46, after only 4.5 years of a beautiful and loving marriage together. In 2012, I started the first ever PAY IT FORWARD FOR DON SHEPHERD DAY. My husband was the most…