Hello Dead Husband,  There are days, days like today, that are not special days, just regular, boring, rainy days, where my heart wants so badly, SO BADLY, to be able to  talk to you.  To tell you things.  To lie in bed with you again, and swing our arms back and forth, as we hold hands, and act silly, and sing our silly songs, to the kitties,…

I will sing you to me….. These words curve around my lower right leg, from knee to ankle. My 3rd tattoo.  My first one says nothin’ but love, our credo in hospice.  Those words swirl in a circle on the back of my neck, with the circle ending in a small heart, and the circle is left open.  As my heart must be in this new life without him. My…

Two days ago, I got a phone call no one wants to get, from my friend who got news she never wanted to hear. For the past 6 months, I’ve been on-call for one of my best friends as she goes through the toughest thing she has yet faced in her life. Her dad has been fighting a very aggressive terminal cancer since the holidays, which came quite out…

I am only human. Although I know this life is so much bigger than me, the pain still takes a hold of me while you’re not here. Defeated I feel at times, in need of inspiration. In need of you, our love and your strength. Infuriated, devastated and heart broken. You promised you would protect my heart but it’s shattered. The one person I…

I figured something out this morning, about grief.  It is this …  Things that happen to you, after the loss of your person, that are painful,  hurt way more.  They hurt more than they did in the previous life. The “before” life.    In this “after” life, the one where my person is dead forever, things that hurt,  hurt more.    They hurt…

I wonder, if we, as widows, set ourselves up, if and when the time comes that we step out into the dating world.  *I haven’t dated since my husband’s death, and don’t plan on it, so this is merely me, contemplating the concept* Somewhere back in my second year of widowhood, I spoke about the concept of dating with my daughter, and how not…

I have been told time and time again don’t ask why. It will drive you mad. I have been told there are something’s you will never have answers for. You must let go. In other people’s dark hours have have given this same advice. But the truth is I want my why! I want my answers! I have been laying in a hospital bed for three days now. I was…

Okay.  So let’s just do it.  Let’s talk about it.  Let’s talk about love and dating and sex.  Yeah, I said it.  Sex.  And widowhood.  Lets not forget widowhood.  I need to talk about this.  It’s time. The first thing that I will say about this, is that each of us is completely different, when it comes to our feelings about love, dating,…

Having lunch with a friend the other day, one who knows me well and knew Mike, I told her: I feel like a completely different person now. Four year later, the only things that remain the same here in Kona are the friends we knew together, my two dogs, and the house I shared with Mike, though its innards are greatly changed now too. And soon, no…

I just passed the 4-year mark of Chuck’s death.  This year blew me to pieces.  Every year does, honestly, but this year…wow.  I went to work the day after, but lasted for only 2 hours, at which point it seemed like my choices were go home or run screaming from the store.  Mentally and emotionally, I was so done.  Mostly, I push my way…