In times of stress and unease, I occasionally look for quotes to use as a mantra to repeat when necessary. So tomorrow as we move from the house that we shared with my beloved best friend/husband/father of our little ones, I will be repeating yet another appropriate phrase in the hopes of easing the fear, sadness and sense of loss that this change…
the myth of the broken heart
I don’t follow a lot of celebrity news. In fact, the older I get the more I have no idea who these people are who grace the pages of the tabloids at the grocery check-out counter. Our society’s idolatry of these ‘super-humans’ baffles me and highlights the blatant differences between ‘us’ and ‘them’.Recently however, the death of an actress whom I…
come again
I have gone out of my way to avoid the parking lot of our doctor’s office for two years and two months. I’d park on the other side of the building and walk the long way to get to my appointment. As I approached the glass doors to the dreaded parking from the opposite entrance I’d avoid looking at one specific tree. This tree marked the spot where…
moving
I have been packing. Due to various circumstances beyond my control, the kids and I are moving house. I am determined to make this one of the most organized and tidy moves of all time. This is because the only people who will be available to assist me in the move on the big day are other mamas. Changing phone numbers, applying for education…
give me one reason
You know the term “It happened for a reason”? I hate it. I have used it myself. But I hate it. It seems to say that everything, good or bad, was supposed to happen to make way for some ‘better’ purpose. It’s sappy and it sucks. It’s almost up there with the “He’s in a better place”.With this rationale, maybe because Jeff died, a cherubic little one…
before and after
My three year old nephew, Gabe, told my sister, “Uncle Jeff died, but he still has his imagination.” I love this idea. The belief that ‘his imagination’ or mind is still intact brings me huge relief and comfort.What I find interesting is that I am completely willing to believe this to be true. I know that some of my willingness comes from the need…
lucky me
“Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.” ~ Dr. Suess After Jeff died, I had this quote printed in vinyl to stick above my bed to remind me just how ‘lucky’ I am.I read it in the hard moments when the kids are in bed, the phone hasn’t rung in two days and my poor-me’s are flowing. It reminds me that I’m lucky. We’re lucky. Every one…
Dating help from Jeff
I have realized through my recent, brief and unsuccessful foray into the world of widowed dating that I am most definitely not looking for Jeff. It is not that I am measuring how certain men stand up to the man that Jeff was. It’s that I am looking at them through not only my eyes, but Jeff’s as well.Yesterday, as I stood in line at the bank, I…
turning tables
I’m sure that every widow/er has done it….Wondered if their spouse would have ‘managed’ had the tables been turned. Pondered over the differences that their loss would have created rather than their spouse’s.Jeff was known for his laughter…Would it have returned? Would he still be sleeping with our little ones tucked up in our bed each night,…
lost and found
I often can’t help but thinking that I have mourned each facet of the loss of my love at least once. Each sad thought, each emotion explored or mulled over for its’ initial contemplation. I feel that often times, I am going over previously pondered thoughts and ruminating. Picking apart and reassembling.When I find a grief spot that I had not…
deux ans
Deux ans. Two anniversaries of the day I lost my huge, hairy and hilarious husband. I’ve learned so very much in these two short years. A lifetime of lessons. Lessons I didn’t really want to know.I now know that although I did not think in those first few hours, days and months, that I would survive, I did. I breathed each breath with a sob. I…
which way did he go?
Jeff’s birthday was on the 16th. The kids and I performed our birthday tradition of making him a blueberry pie. As per Liv and Briar’s directions, we lit a candle and stood on the back deck waiting for him (aka the wind) to blow it out. After a few minutes, the kids ‘helped’ him and blew it out themselves.It broke my heart to watch them standing…