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The Keeper of the Lighthouse

Posted on: August 1, 2020 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

Grief’s gaze. I knew it as soon as I got it this week. It’s that look you get from someone who has just suffered a new great loss. It conveys so much with so little. It’s so very different from the look they give to others all around them. Yeah it’s quite a powerful look and you totally get it.

You remember being there yourself. Instantly you are transported back to your beginning, back to your first few days. It’s been years and it hits like it was just yesterday. Those first days of seeing the world from under water because the tears just won’t stop. Not sure what you’re doing in the next minute let alone tomorrow or next week. Begging for the universe to throw you a line so you can anchor to anything and stop the spinning even for just a moment. You search the crowd and you see a lighthouse – A person that understands and can help you try and make some sense of it all. You gaze at them in hopes they can ground you. Then suddenly you’re snapped back to the present and standing in front of you is your friend who has made his way over to you and you realize you’re his lighthouse.

How do I explain it? They know that you have suffered a difficult loss. They know that, of everyone in the room, it’s you who understands where they are in this exact moment. It’s you who knows what the first few days of the grief journey feels like. It’s you who has made it past this initial stage of shock and knows what it’s like to walk forward. It’s you, standing there as living proof that they can survive this stage. It’s you that now represents their future. It’s you they can talk to because you get it. You provide safe harbor. You’ve become the keeper of the lighthouse.

It’s not a position you ever thought you’d be in but here you are a light in the dark for those new to sailing the storm. You just never know who will need your light whatever their grief may be…

“Hey”

“Hey. Thank you for all of this you guys did for us. It’s perfect. “

“No thanks needed. We just want to help in anyway we can. If nothing else this gives you a break from all the crazy the past few days. You guys can just walk around, enjoy the beach and eat a relaxing meal.”

“Yeah. It’s a lot. All these people here. It’s going to be harder though when they are all gone and back to life. ”

“I completely understand. My loss is different but I get it. The first few days is a whirlwind but it hits when everyone leaves and you’re in your new normal. It’s good though that you have your wife and that your family lives here. That will help with the navigating. I’m really sorry you lost your son…”

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Without Children, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Memories, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness, Multiple Losses

Bryan Martin

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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