When Traveling the Path of Grief
The path we each travel to make our way through the daily ins & outs of our grief is personal and unique. As widowed people, our paths are often similar, yet different.
On August 28, 2025, my husband’s birthday comes round, yet again, marking 75 years since he arrived. All 4 pounds of him in his too-early birth.
Three score and fifteen years ago.
Fifteen years shy of one hundred years old.
Three quarters of a century.
Time is surreal.
I felt this in my body, as recalled in a blog post at the end of July. However, I didn’t fully take stock until this morning. Seventy-five years! Whoa!
Yesterday I made arrangements to answer the ocean’s call to me, and this morning formulated an open-ended, flexible plan for remembering him with family.
For some widowed folk who are reading this it may feel very familiar. For others, it may feel foreign or even strange. In death, as in life, we each have our own unique way of being.
Customs, Traditions, and Choices
Research indicates that most people remember loved ones in private, personal ways. Here is a summary of ideas in case you’re curious:
Traditional & Religious Observances
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Lighting a candle – often kept burning for 24 hours (Jewish yahrzeit, Catholic tradition, or simply symbolic remembrance).
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Attending a service or mass – many churches or temples offer special prayers for the deceased.
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Offering food or gifts – in Hinduism and Buddhism, families may prepare the loved one’s favorite food or make offerings.
Personal & Family Rituals
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Visiting the grave or memorial site – bringing flowers, cleaning the stone, or spending quiet time there.
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Cooking their favorite meal – sharing it with family or friends while telling stories.
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Listening to “their” music – or creating a playlist that recalls their life.
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Creating a tradition – like going to their favorite restaurant, hiking a trail they loved, or watching their favorite movie.
Creative & Legacy Practices
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Memory sharing online – posting a photo or story on social media, where friends can comment and remember together.
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Writing a letter or journal entry – some people write an update each year as if speaking to their loved one.
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Donating or volunteering – supporting a cause that mattered to them.
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Planting or tending a tree/plant – a living marker that grows year after year.
Private Reflection
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Quiet meditation or prayer – setting aside time to feel close to them.
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Looking through photos – alone or with loved ones, sparking stories and memories.
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Carrying on their habits – wearing a piece of their jewelry, reading a book they loved, or drinking their favorite tea.
Responding to Our Inner Wisdom
Do I want to be with people, or by myself?
Does it feel better to think of being at home, or away from home?
Have I remembered them in a previous anniversary that makes me want to do that again?
Where does my intuition seem to be taking me? Private, tiny moment? Or being with others?
How do I feel about reserving the right to “change my mind” if I don’t feel up to celebrating?
What do I most need from this day? (birthday, anniversary, special milestone, etc.)
What if my intention is for my highest and greatest good?
Knowing my husband, and his protective nature in regard to me, I think he would encourage me to ask these questions:
What do I need?
How are my energy levels right now?
What if I erred on the side of self-care rather than perceived obligations?
When I imagine what I am considering, does it feel healing for me?
What might comfort me?
How might I gain peace-of-mind and heart by remembering this day?
What will help me cope?
When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.
— Mary Oliver, Poem 102 (excerpt), When Death Comes
