As I sit here finishing my preparations for the Lunar New Year tomorrow I can’t help but look back on this past year. Lunar New Year has always been one of the most important holidays to our family next to Christmas and 4th of July. It was one that I welcomed Erik to be a part of when we became official and one that ended up being one of his favorites. This holiday was one of the ones that was really tough for me after Erik passed because of how much he embraced it throughout our lives together. The strong presence of our entire family coming together, to all the preparations, traditions, and meaning that the holiday held. He became even more excited about it each year than me. I remember him telling me and my family one year that it had become his very favorite holiday as much as Christmas if not more. And that is saying a lot as Christmas holds so much meaning for us too. And now as we celebrate yet another Lunar New Year I can’t help but feel the deep ache of missing a part of my heart for yet another important holiday. It’s been tough to balance being excited while sharing and teaching about this holiday with our kids to feeling deep sadness and trying not to let it impact the twins’ views on the holiday.

I have definitely been feeling the impact of being a solo parent a lot more. Doing everything alone. Twice. All the time. We moved the day after Christmas last month and that compounded with a new year starting to then Lunar New Year, on top of all our daily life activities has really heightened my anxiety. This move has truly been the first move since Erik’s passing in which I have actually been alert for. The other move was in my state of fogginess and numbness where the shock still didn’t cut so deep. This new move brought some changes for us. The twins are now back in their own separate beds since their nursery days when Erik was still alive. The twins have been sleeping with me ever since he passed. Whether that was for their sake or mine it was something we needed when Erik died. With them in their own beds again I find myself not able to sleep in my bed alone. Realizing that it would be the first time since his passing that I would have to sleep in the bed all alone made my anxiety go through the roof. Sure I’ve traveled and have slept alone in a hotel bed since his passing, but that wasn’t the same. This is the bed where we are living. This is now my bed that Erik was missing from. It all became too real to sleep in it completely alone. So I didn’t. I ended up on the couch that first night we moved in and I haven’t been able to bring myself to sleep in that bed alone since. I felt comfort sleeping on the couch as it shared a wall with the twins’ room. I felt comfort that I could hear them better in case one of them needed me at night rather than being across the house in another room. One of the many struggles of being a solo parent…worrying even when you sleep because you’re the only adult in the house.

So here I sit reflecting on yet another Lunar New Year without Erik. Thinking about all the things I miss from when he was here, to all the things we will miss without him to now dealing with trying to not let that impact our kids’ childhoods and their experiences with the holidays. The impact of knowing I’m not alone yet feeling as alone as I could feel. Here’s to wishing that this new year brings in a new wave of hope for not only surviving but living again. Happy Lunar New Year to all those who celebrate it.