• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
Widow's Voice

Widow's Voice

  • Soaring Spirits
  • Donate
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Categories
  • Authors
    • Kelley Lynn
    • Emily Vielhauer
    • Emma Pearson
    • Kathie Neff
    • Gary Ravitz
    • Victoria Helmly
    • Lisa Begin-Kruysman

Diagnoses Date

Posted on: October 5, 2019 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

We all know the dreaded dates. The anniversary of their death, birthdays, togetherness anniversaries, holidays but there’s one more on my list that adds another dark mark on my year – His diagnosis date.

Tin just felt off like he had the flu or something. No strange symptoms. No sudden pains. Just an off feeling. He did complain that he felt bloated but he just thought it might be a stomach bug and just like that, the next day, he had barely any energy and yellowing skin.

That sight is forever trapped in my memories, haunting my recollections of the past. To come home from a regular good work day excited to see him only to find him gravely ill. Unfortunately now I can say I have seen “gravely”.

Down three flights of stairs and put him into the car. The hospital was packed, blood was taken and tests were run. My 20 years in animal care gave me a sinking feeling. I had an idea of what was to come.

“Acute terminal liver failure “ was all I heard and than the sounds of the room muffled. He was given 8 months to live but he only held on for seven. That was 2 years ago this week and it’s more clear and more present than a conversation I had yesterday.

“Bryan, don’t you remember what we talked about yesterday?”

“No. I’m sorry. My widowed wisdom hasn’t left me any room for new memories…”

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Without Children, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

TO LEAVE A COMMENT ON A BLOG, sign in to the comments section using your Facebook or Gmail accounts, or sign up for Disqus.

Primary Sidebar

Footer

Quick Links

  • Home
  • Blog
  • Categories
  • Authors

SSI Network

  • Soaring Spirits International
  • Camp Widow
  • Resilience Center
  • Soaring Spirits Gala
  • Widowed Village
  • Widowed Pen Pal Program
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • YouTube

Contact Info

Soaring Spirits International
2828 Cochran St. #194
Simi Valley, CA 93065

Email: [email protected]

Phone: 877-671-4071

Soaring Spirits International is a 501(c)3 Corporation EIN#: 38-3787893. Soaring Spirits International provides resources with no endorsement implied.

Copyright © 2023 Widow's Voice. All Rights Reserved.