Hi honey, As I type this letter to you I am wrestling with the fact that you have been dead for five years. Even though I have lived without you for 1,825 days…every once in awhile I still feel I could turn over my shoulder and you would be there with a big grin wondering what I will think of your latest joke. You would be amazed by the growth…
Widowed Suddenly
He Smiled
The other night I had a dream with Michael in it. A festival of some sort was taking place and I stood some distance away…eyes glued to my love. Something passed by, that before Michael could even look at it, I knew would be something he’d find amusing. I knew it would happen. One of the things that melted my heart and still brings butterflies to…
Keep standing
Tonight, I took Liv to a meeting. It just so happened to be at a place that I haven’t been to in 19 months and 12 days. The place Liv was baptised. The place we were married. The place Jeff’s funeral was held. I didn’t think it would affect me much. I thought I had grown stronger and more resilient. I knew it would sting a bit, but I hadn’t…
another anniversary.
on august 11th the goodmans arrived for our third annual trip to celebrate my wedding anniversary.while we waited for them to arrive i watched maddy try to drive my car, play with some bamboo sticks, and pick the flowers in our yard. as she played i thought about liz and the fact that i had two wedding anniversaries with her, and now three…
Love is Not ….
…. a cure-all. For grief. Or for anything that goes along with grief …. like an aching heart, feeling lonely, wanting your spouse back, or feeling misunderstood.Finding love again is wonderful in so many ways. Ultimately it makes you feel like a woman again, rather than a widow (or, I imagine, like a man, rather than a widower). But it…
When the Heartache Ends
I have been wondering lately if being happy limits the freedom I feel to still mourn Phil’s death. I have the feeling that “others” expect that my current happiness will cancel out the residual sadness that still exists in my heart over the loss of a man I loved so much. Yes, I realize this is MY issue. The thing is, I am happy. And yet, I am also…
Losing Me
I remember the day. It was two months after Michael was killed and I found myself sitting on our big red chair, laptop in hand. Tears welled up in my eyes as I scrolled through the hundreds of photos I had of Michael. It would take a moment till I finally realized what I was doing. As I passed through each picture I would only look at Michael. When…
are you there grief? it’s me, jackie
Now and then, I sit down before the computer on the night before my post is due for Widow’s Voice and stare blankly at the screen. Mentally, I examine my current thoughts, my day’s mullings, recent happenings. I gleen for any unprobed areas of the loss of Jeff…..and find none. It’s not often that this happens. But occasionally, there is quiet. An…
found
a few days ago she found them. they’d been sitting in plain view since before her mom died.well, not exactly in plain view… they were covered by a couple of books, but i could see them from where i sat every day, working on our taj. it helped that i knew they were there, otherwise i probably would have looked past them as well. but at two…
Would I Be a Better Spouse ….
…. the second time around? After pondering this a bit …. I have to be honest. And say yes. Don’t get me wrong …. I don’t think I was a bad wife. Not at all.Jim and I had a fantastic relationship. We loved each other more with each year that passed. I knew that we had a better marriage …. or at least seemed happier …. than many people I…
One Size Fits All?
The relationships that I have formed with other widowed people are by far the quickest bonding experiences of my life. Somehow the kinship of loss has regularly transcended the other differences that are often obvious between me and a new widowed friend. Before Phil died there were a variety of things that might influence how long I spent getting…
Create your own rules
Being a widow is no easy thing. From picking up the pieces , staring at them like they’re some foreign thing, and trying to create something semi-comprehensible….to the “outliers” (those are the people outside my situation), that try and put their two cents in…or in most cases…89 cents in, to what my life should be. There’s a lot going on.