There is a lot of anxiety in my life lately. Things are happening in the world. Frightening things. Scary things. School shootings, ISIS, bombings, possible war, so much unrest and just crazy terrifying stuff. I have found myself tied up in knots a lot of days over these things, or sometimes unable to let go of anger and rage at these things or at…
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Be Warned. Capitol Letters Used Frequently~
This is a rhetorical question but one that I just need to write out loud.Don’t all of you wonder, in a dazed and yet horrifyingly clear way, how the FUCK you’ve done this shit? Lived since your dearest beloved died, I mean. Seriously, sometimes I just stop and think holy shit I’ve survived for fill in the blank years without him/her, when I…
Thanksgiving Through the Widowed Years
On my first widowed Thanksgiving Phil’s empty seat at the dinner table represented only my personal loss. Knowing he would never again sit bside me as we spoke aloud the things for which were grateful, around our Thanksgiving table, made the empty space beside me pulsate in my mind’s eye. My heart radiated pain, and sitting through the meal…
Falling
I feel like I’m falling. It’s been a weird couple of weeks. Most of you who read this know that Im a comedian, writer, actor. I have a YouTube channel and I do lots of silly, funny, comedy videos. One of those videos that I did back in 2010 is called “Oh! I’ve McFallen!” and it features me trying to order the McLobster at McDonalds (something…
One Powerful Word~
At some point we all need to search for what’s good in our lives after the love of our life dies, right? Leaving us behind. So, I’ve thought and thought again about it and there is really little that I would qualify as good enough that it takes away the sharpness of Chuck’s absence from my life. Yes, I have my kids, my grands, family and…
Fearing Healing
After Phil’s death I feared getting better. I didn’t want to get over it, move on, allow time to heal me, or be grateful that Phil was in a better place. Frankly, getting better sounded like forgetting, getting over it was impossible, moving on implied leaving a time when Phil was a part of my world, time as a concept wasn’t doing much for me, and…
No Matter How Long it is~
…We’ve joked around for a long time about how much we love each other and who loves one another more, and I just want you to know… I love you more. And no matter what, i will always, always be there with you, and no matter how long it is until I see you again…I will see you again. And you remember every day, every day… P.S I love…
When Great Trees Fall
When Great Trees Fall Maya Angelou When great trees fall, rocks on distant hills shudder, lions hunker down in tall grasses, and even elephants lumber after safety. When great trees fall in forests, small things recoil into silence, their senses eroded beyond fear.When great souls die, the air around us becomes light, rare, sterile. We…
Backward is Forward
So Tuesday was my wedding anniversary. It would have been 9 years married this October 27th, but of course, we were right smack in the middle of year 4 in our marriage, when my beautiful husband suddenly dropped dead. The reality of this event – someone being there one second, and then the next second, not – has become more and more baffling to me…
To Grief or Not to Grief, and What’s Normal or Not?
My dad died a few days ago. I knew the end was near for him, so I got in my car in Arizona and headed to Colorado. It was a 2 day drive but I figured I’d get some adrenalin going and make it in 1 day. Which I would have except that hail and rain and wind got in the way and I had to stop overnight for safety reasons.I don’t know what it…
Grief Timeline
The day Phil died I had no idea what kind of roller coaster ride I was about to board. In many ways I felt I was shuffled onto the first outgoing cart marked “grief,” and told to put my lap belt on low and tight. Maybe I would have managed the twists and turns of the journey better if someone handed me a grief timeline that mapped out the course…
Emotional Yoga and Stressed Out Knees~
Have you ever considered where you hold your grief? The heart, obviously…our soul, most certainly, though it isn’t locate-able in our bodies. Our shoulders that are up around our ears. Hands that clench. Our bodies hold our grief. I ask because I’ve become more and more aware that I’m holding a major amount of my grief in my knees,…