I could not think of one single thing to write about today. Not one single thing. not because I am suddenly healed and “all better” from my loss, since we know there is no such thing as that. But just because. Im exhausted. Im tired of writing. My brain is fried beyond belief, and I just could not conjure up even ONE thought to post in here today. Even after hours of thinking about it. So what I finally decided to do instead, is to post in here a special list I had made up back in November, on what would have been my husband’s 50th Birthday. Instead, he will forever be 46. But this list is just 50 (and there are more) of the reasons why I loved him, and will love him, until forever and beyond. Maybe some of you can make your own lists about your person and leave them in the comments. Id love to see them ……. 

 

 50 Reasons I Love Don Shepherd:

1.  He made me understand that I am worth loving.
2. He always handed me the keys to his car with a full tank of gas, and the oil checked.
3. Even though it was his car, he called it “our” car.
4. He often left himself with no money in his wallet, so he could give me his last $10.
5. He smelled like soft sheets and warm blankets and peppermint.
6. His blue eyes were the only thing I wanted to see.
7. Dogs and cats ran to him, demanding his attention. He was a magnet for animals.
8. The way he brushed our kitties teeth, and brushed their coats. So gentle and loving.
9. His twisted and surprisingly dark sense of humor.
10. How sexy and magical it was every time he strummed his guitar.
11. The way he used my knees and legs to create a beat with, like imaginary drums.
12. He said I was beautiful, often, and he meant it.
13. The way he looked at me when I was performing onstage, like he was in awe of me.
14. He carried me to the bathroom, cooked for me, and waited on me for 7 days straight when I threw out my back years ago.
15. He asked for my dad’s permission to marry me.
16. He called my parents “mom and pop” like it was the most natural thing in the world.
17. The way he made me feel un-broken.
18. His amazingly beautiful , animated laugh.
19. The way he cried whenever an animal was in pain, or when our kitties Ginger and Isabelle died. The way I had to hold up his 6 foot 4 body, as he collapsed in my arms.
20. The way he folded his arms and started his sentences with: “Ya know …. “
21. He was a natural teacher, and he knew so much about so many topics, and I was always learning things from him, without ever feeling like I wasn’t as smart or as equal.
22. Nobody gave hugs the way he did.
23. He was my human pillow. My head slept on his chest and he would play with my hair and soothe me to sleep.
24. That thing he used to do in bed .
25. The way he could adapt to anyone or anything. He felt just as happy and comfortable at a gourmet restaurant as he did inside of a Burger King.
26. The one I watched and went to all my Yankees games with.
27. He taught me how to play tennis, and he got me so interested in the sport itself. His passion for everything was contagious.
28. The way he would do things he didn’t want to do (like take 8 weeks of ballroom dance lessons for our wedding), because he knew it made me happy.
29. Because he would have been an even better father than either of us imagined.
30. That other thing he used to do in bed .
31. The way he used to give me 3 cards on special days; one serious / mooshy one, one funny one, and one from the kitty cats.
32. Because we could sit in silence together, or talk for hours together. It was all good.
33. He packed up his life into a moving truck and came from Florida to New Jersey, to take a risk on us.
34. He was so incredibly kind.
35. Sometimes he wouldn’t talk for hours, and it was never awkward.
36. He looked so damn sexy in his boxers.
37. He looked so damn sexy in his EMS uniform.
38. It was so hot when he would start talking all “medical” and I wouldn’t have a clue what the hell he was yapping on about.
39. He brought me through and sat beside me during the absolute worst thing that ever happened to me .
40. He saved me, in so many ways, over and over and over again.
41. He had so many reasons to feel sorry for himself, and he never once did.
42. I was honored and lucky to be his wife.
43. Saying the words “my husband” gave me intense peace and joy.
44. His presence in my life made me feel safe from all things frightening in the world.
45. When I was at work, he would call and say, in the sweetest voice: “When will you be home, Boo? How long?” He missed me when I was not there.
46. I trusted him with my life.
47. Our cat Sammy would sleep ON his head, and he would lay there smiling, with a cat on his head.
48. I loved our simple, beautiful, extraordinary, ordinary life.
49. He held my hand in bed until we were asleep, and then longer.
50. He was the best person I have ever known.

 

Happy “Not Turning 50”, 50^th birthday – my beautiful, dead husband.

I will love you until I no longer breathe, and then, even longer . 

Thanks for reading.