As I sit down at my parents house in Massachusetts to write this blog, about 15 minutes before midnight, it is Christmas Eve. By the time many of you read this, it will be Christmas Day. I find it fitting that Christmas Day would fall on a Friday this year, therefore making it my day to write in the Widows Voice blog. Christmas Day, and the entire…
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Trying not to Grinch the Holidays~
I feel like such a grinch with the holiday season. Honestly, it was never a big day for me or my husband, especially once the kids left home. The days we celebrated, the days that meant so much to us, were our birthdays~the days we each came into this world~and our anniversary~the day we joined our lives. That wet-blanket feeling of the…
Touching the Past
I sometimes wonder what would happen if all the wishes people made on stars came true. Where would my life be today if my whims were met by the imaginary wish granter in the sky who hears the things our hearts whisper when we witness those flashes of light across the night sky? One thing is certain, my heart has definitely not been whispering over…
Experimenting at Life~
I’m experimenting. I’m making decisions that go against my nature and against what I’d like to do, and, instead, I’m doing shit that is way out of my comfort zone. These decisions wouldn’t have been outside my comfort zone when Chuck was alive, but they have been, and remain so, now. Grief changes us, doesn’t it?In order to be…
At the End of the Day
I feel like I have covered this grief topic in writing at least 10,000 times since my husband’s death. I also feel like no matter how many times I express it, there really is no way to ever properly express what this is. This, being the loneliness and longing that comes at the end of the day, in that space where my husband’s life used to…
Bearing What isn’t Bearable but is Borne~
How do we bear it? Bear the unbearable, I mean? Husband, wife, lifelong partner…there are so many names and relationships, so many labels that our world uses to describe the love between a man and a woman. Or two people of the same gender. It doesn’t matter, really, does it? It’s just about the love and then it’s about the death of…
A Grieving Friend
On Thursday I received a phone call from a woman who wanted advice on how best to support her friend whose husband died two months ago. She was at her wits end with her friend who called her crying hysterically because she’d just left a drive through restaurant that she and her husband used to frequent together. This friend said to me, “I just…
Nobody Else Can Die
I got some news last night that I did not want to hear. A phone call from someone in my family, letting me know they were diagnosed with something. Honestly, I don’t mean to be so vague and mysterious, but I feel the need to write about this because that is how I cope, and because I cant really think about much else right now except THIS. At the…
Holy…What is~
Today is 2 years since I began my Odyssey of Love, towing my pink-trimmed T@b Teardrop trailer behind my pink car. December 1, 2013. I was riddled with anxiety, never having towed or camped prior to my beloved husband’s death. I knew, even on the night he died, that continuing a life on the road without him would require changes in how we had…
Thanksgiving Blues
I had a good day today. It was a nice day that I was lucky enough to spend with really good, really dear friends. My own family is 4 hours away in another state, so getting to them over Thanksgiving isnt usually possible, due to the short time off I have from work. So, for the past few years, it has become almost a new tradition for me to spend…
Gratitude, and my Lack Thereof~
This time of year puts an enormous amount of pressure on people in general, doesn’t it? Add in the hugeness of grief and it can be overwhelming in the extreme. Since Chuck’s death, I’ve become a perfect Buddhist. Which is what he was, philosophically speaking. Stay with me here…that wasn’t a random statement. Thanksgiving, or any of…
The Word Widow
I’ve been asked what I think of the word widow, and specifically if I’d prefer we use a different word that has a more positive connotation to label the widowed experience. When the word widow first applied to me, I told myself that I hated that word. I shuddered every time I used that word to describe myself, and the unwanted situation in which I…