This poem pretty much nails it for me, what it is…this missing-ness. I wonder if this…the feelings conveyed in the poem, ever really go away. Will there be a time when I don’t feel this weight?  Will I ever feel joyous again? Will I ever have any sense of who I am again? Because for 24 years I felt these things and I loved who I was.  So, I…

If you had asked me to define the word “family” just over 4 years ago, I probably would have said that my family is my husband. He is my family. And then my parents and my brother, and then my cousins and aunts and uncles and other relatives that we saw on holidays, or some of them several times a year at gatherings and parties. Maybe I would have…

I’m two people and I don’t know how to resolve that. Or if it can be resolved. Or if it will be resolved.In some ways, this isn’t new to me. I’m a Gemini, after all. Twinsies. Never has that been more apparent than since Chuck’s death.  And I know I’m not alone in this feeling of separateness, this another person exists within the self…

I could not think of one single thing to write about today. Not one single thing. not because I am suddenly healed and “all better” from my loss, since we know there is no such thing as that. But just because. Im exhausted. Im tired of writing. My brain is fried beyond belief, and I just could not conjure up even ONE thought to post in here today.

grieve gloriously you are cracked wide openlisten not to the instructions of others how you must grieve own your relationship and what it now means to bear the physical absence of that one you loved love still in the ethereal world scream cry rend your garments curl into the floor gasp your grief it is yours not theirs grieve gloriously and give…

Autumn has always been my favorite time of year. I love the fall so much, and it is always much too short and goes away much too fast. But for so many reasons, the fall is just filled with awesomeness and beauty for me. It’s why I chose to get married in October. My birthday is in late September, and then my husband’s birthday follows in November.

Sometimes when other women hear that my husband died, their response is oh god I could never live without my husband I don’t know how you do it my husband is my life I just can’t imagine what this is like for you….and such. They’re speaking honestly and truthfully and I’m sure they wish to convey every sort of empathy and sympathy…

Well it’s been just over 4 years since my husband’s sudden and awful death, and today, I am still grieving.  I am grieving food. I am grieving and mourning potato skins, mashed potato with gravy, french fries, home fries, potatoes au gratin, baked potato with sour cream and bacon and cheese … shall I go on? There are so many things one can do…

you died heart shattered Breathing cut eyes stung  pulse raced sweat poured body shook memories pained i drove marriages happened babies birthed life continued hearts wept life awry you died…

If there is one thing I have learned in the 4 years of being widowed, it is this: Pain and joy can and do exist in the same breath. Excruciating sadness and ecstatic happiness can be felt in the same exact moment. Inhale joy, exhale pain. That’s just how it works when you’ve lost your whole world in 2 seconds flat. Nothing is simple anymore.