We’re at the ranch. It’s my cousin’s place. 90 acres horses, sheep, ponds, creeks and ATVs.It’s our second home. It’s the place where we escape our noisy city lives. It’s the place Art wanted to be sprinkled. I left part of him here in May 09, 1 month after his death. I left him in a box. That was placed above my cousin’s book shelf. Today was time…
Uncle…
Warning: This post may be unsettling. It was written in June. I didn’t post it because I didn’t want someone calling Child Protection Services, a threat that was made. Please know that I am better. Please know that I continue to fight and function. Please know that I am here. I thought about it today. And yesterday Actually been thinking about…
Ours to Mine
Our wedding rings are no more. His was so huge. My 6’6″ husband had fingers that matched his size.When he died, I removed his ring and put it into the ring box that I kept my diamond in. I don’t remember when I took off my wedding bands. Long enough so that wearing a ring on my “wedding” finger feels odd. I needed something that would represent us,…
Acts Of Faith
Friday, August 27th I put Langston and Pallas on a bus today to attend Camp Erin, a weekend camp for grieving kids. I drive away before the bus does. And on the 10 heading west, in traffic (thankfully) I cry. Putting them on a bus is…an Act of Faith. Faith that they will come back to me. Faith that I will not have to go and identify their crushed…
Other People’s Grief
I’m back east with my family; one of my sister’s, her husband and kids, my mom and her husband (both widows) and my aunt and uncle. Cousins, another aunt, a step sister and her husband will arrive tomorrow. Tonight I saw it on them. In their eyes. In the way they looked at me.I saw their grief. Other people dealing with the loss of…. my…
Before or After?
Did Art die before or after Pallas hit five feet? Did he die before I bought the new underwear or after? Was he alive when Google offered that new earth maps feature? Was I friends with her before or after Art died? Was he alive when Langton said __________ or Ezra did ______?Before or after? This is the new question I’ve been asking lately. And…
Grief-in-Action
I’m here at Camp Widow in San Diego. I videotaped the room full of us widows clapping. And now that I am trying to post it, I’m not sure it’s working. Frustration is on my shoulders, my wrinkled brow and scrunched up eyes. After an hour of searching and trying solutions, I don’t know if any of them will work and I feel defeated and completely…
Contentment
On vacation with the kids in Ixtapa, Mexico. My financial struggle having just ended. Not sure what to write about it. After all the months, (years really) After ALL these months of anger, sadness, resentment, hopelessness, joy, surprise, discovery, light, regret and hope, I find myself at odds with ……dare I call it, contentment.I’m not sure.
Gushing
I’ve written ELEVEN Thank you notes this week. ELEVEN!!! Eleven hand written notes filled with gratitude and gratefulness for the things people in my life did for me.There were the three dinners I had at friend’s houses that included a great amount of laughter and connection and the feeding of my three children. One went to the paralegal who…
Lying
Ok I admit it. I’ve been lying. Not really lying buuutttttt not telling the full truth. Because well, people look at me funny when I say, “I’m good!” “I’m doing well.” after they ask “How are you?” I interpret their look to mean “but she’s a widow.”While writing lately, I’ve stayed within the imaginary widow party lines…
Blind
This post is from May 8, 2009, just 22 days after Art died. Recently I needed to go back, to see how far I’d come. I’ve been blind to the changes — the small little changes like that I can remember to order shoes, and that today is hot lunch day at camp each thought within 10 seconds of each other. This daily action of putting one foot in front of…
Dark Nights of the Soul
Warning: This post may be unsettling to many. It was written 8 days ago. I thought about it today. And yesterday And actually been thinking about it for 5 days straight. Considering different ways to do it. Quick, painless ways to do it.I’ve been thinking about killing myself. The fact that I am writing about this means, I think….I am working…