Sometimes I’m not sure what to write each week. When that happens (because it’s normal to not have a topic), I take it that the Universe wants me to just look back and see where I am verses where I was. So I decided to look back at the last blog I wrote two years ago. Year 2, for me and many others, is the hardest. Year 1 is a fog. Year 2 and my loss was finally real. Year 3 was acceptance and Year 4 has been moving forward. I didn’t remember that two years ago I wrote about how I could not move out of the apartment Clayton and I had.
Here I sit in my new home that two years ago I never thought I’d have. Here I live with a man I have fallen in love with which I used to think would never happen to me again. The process of grieving can feel endless but when I move forward and multiply year two by two, I find myself doing things I never thought were possible again after loss. Time did not heal all wounds back to before bereavement but time toughened me enough that I could move forward…
Home is Where the Heart is – January 2019
It’s taken me months and months to bring up the courage to go to dinner with a friend. Sounds crazy but she was Clayton’s favorite coworker and he is all we have in common. I knew it hit her hard when he passed and I knew she would want to talk about it. I guess that is just another layer of widowhood that others don’t understand – We want to see you but the memories you trigger are to strong for us to handle right now.
I finally said yes and we went to a local restaurant. It was wonderful to see her! We caught up and laughed, we talked about Tin and how much we missed him. It was scary at first but I realize hearing her remember him was a gift. It’s so easy to think that, for others, out of sight is out of mind…
The evening was wonderful and we talked about many different things. My career and second job (which I need to cover my widowed bills) are both very successful. She asked if I was planning to move home near my family but, overall, things are good here so I’m staying. It wasn’t the memories of Tin that crushed me. It wasn’t being at a restaurant that he and I went to often. It was a question that I never thought of and certainly didn’t expect the impact when asked.
“Wow! You are doing so well you should move and buy a place!”
The moths of mourning fluttered in my stomach and up in my throat. Move? Buy my own place? Leave our home? I hadn’t thought of any of those ideas. I felt sick but I kept it together until we went our separate ways. I cried heading home and when I got home I looked around for any changes. It took me a bit to settle and when I did I asked myself why that idea of moving was so hard. Here is my answer…
Tin designed the layout of our apartment. Tin surprised me by painting the rooms when I was at work. Tin hung all the photos himself. If I take it down he won’t be here to help me put it back up. He put so much of his heart into our home. If I move than I lose more of Tin…..
