Whew! It has been a hectic few weeks. I feel like I’m always in survival go-go-go mode where I’m just going through the motions of doing things without really being fully present in what I’m doing. I guess it comes with the territory of being a solo parent. Lately, I’ve been trying to remind myself to stop and just enjoy some of the things I’m doing, mostly when it comes to spending time with the twins or taking time for myself.
Last weekend I took a trip with one of my best friends to Cabo. Now I had no idea I would have agreed, two years in, to go back to one of the places that was special to Erik and me. We went to the Sea of Cortez, as Erik liked to call it, at least once a year since we started dating and it was always so special to us because it was our trip to get away from the outside world and just be with each other. It was truly our little slice of paradise. It was also the last trip we took together before Erik passed. I didn’t know what came over me. When my friend had asked me how I felt about going I actually deep down wanted to go, even though I didn’t think I would have wanted to be back in that familiar place anytime soon. I still had my reservations and had to mentally prepare myself before the trip knowing that it would be hard to be in a place that held so many memories of just Erik and I. Coincidentally we ended up booking the trip to leave exactly the day two years ago that we had buried Erik. Talk about adding to the emotions! As we made our way past customs, the emotions slowly started washing over me. The memories all came rushing back as I remembered every inch of that airport, down to even the ATM that stood in the exact same spot it did over two years ago. The memory just replayed itself as if I was watching as a bystander. Remembering as we made our way past all the car rental stands Erik said to me, “We’reeee back! Oh shoot, I forgot the tip money…” as he maneuvered us around people towards that ATM. The same ATM that I sat across while I placed a FaceTime call to check in on our babies as it was our first trip away from them. The memory came so vividly. I flashed back to him standing with his back to me at that ATM and instantly turning around when he heard the FaceTime call go through to tell me to tell our babies that Daddy would be right there to talk to them. But just like that, I was standing there staring at this ATM wishing so badly that he was still right in front of it. Thinking if I just look away for a second and look back maybe he would just magically appear there again. Wishing I could just rewind time to that moment to hold him once again.
My friend and I decided to stay at a different hotel than the one Erik and I always frequented. I figured the location would be hard enough, why try to add to it even more? Surprisingly being in a place that I thought would be hard to come back to ended up making me feel closer to Erik. But each day got a little harder as the memories of past trips kept replaying in my head and the desire of wanting him to just be back in this place with me got stronger. And it was in those moments where I felt like he was giving me signs. The first night my friend and I both ended up wearing jumpsuits. She wore green and I wore red. It was not at all planned and she commented that it was like it was Christmas. And if you know Erik and I, we got married on Christmas Eve Eve and our planned vow renewal theme was Christmas in July so this was as if we had truly brought Christmas to Mexico unintentionally. Then our waiter that night was named Erik. My stomach still drops anytime someone introduces themselves as Erik now. Then the following day our driver for our excursions was also named Erik. From seeing dolphins to all kinds of sea life to being on a boat and in the water to even the butterflies painted on our hotel walls it all felt like a sign from Erik to me. And I was never really one to believe in things like that, but it felt as if he was trying to be right there with me. As if it was all serendipitous.
