The following was written in my personal blog just a few days ago, so those of you who may follow my writing over there, may have already read this. Really wanted to post a shorter version here too, though – because I know that so many of you can relate to the devastation and feelings that this brings up. Nothing has changed. Nothing has been…
Widowed Emotions
Happy
It’s been a long time since I could say without hesitation “I feel happy”. In the time since Dave died, I’ve laughed and enjoyed myself, but always I felt that underlying layer of sadness and shock that dampened everything. It made even laughter a bittersweet act. How could I laugh when he was gone? Lately, though, I’ve felt happy. Not tinged with…
Taking Chances on Life
I’ve had a particularly hard couple of weeks lately. Not only has there been Christmas and the 18 month mark since he died, but throw in a trip to Dallas where we lived together, his younger brother graduating from college, my idiotic attempt to start a pretty strict new diet and workout regimen (beginning a week before Thanksgiving, really…
Wistful…..
…… is probably the best way to describe how I am feeling today, the day that marks the sixth year since Jim died. It also happens to be the birthday of my sister, my brother and my step-dad. Which totally sucked for them 6 years ago. I hope it sucks less now. I’m at a good point in my life, and yet …… …… I miss him. So very much.I’m…
Sick
So, I was feeling really really strong after feeling not so strong. And then I got a stomach bug. And after a week of being stuck at home, semi-helpless, I felt my anxiety creep back in. I don’t get a little bug and just think “Oh, I’ll be fine. It’s just a bug,” I think “I might be just a little sick, or…I might be very sick and will have to go…
Where We’re Going
He died on a Tuesday. I can still remember screaming those animal sounds into the phone, tones I’d never heard come out of myself. Deep, guttural defiances… yelled at his dad on the other end of the line – every cell of me rejecting the words from his broken voice, “No baby, he’s not okay…” The room is spinning. I remember flashes only. I…
Toolbox
I don’t do drugs of any kind. I rarely drink. Wine gives me headaches and makes me fall asleep, I think beer tastes like gasoline (not that I’ve ever consumed gasoline, but if I did, I know it would taste like beer), and I’m way too wimpy for hard liquor type-stuff. So, two and a half years ago, when life pushed me at 100 mph onto this…
Recognizing the pain
I’ve been traveling a ton the past week and in the midst of that, found myself looking through notebooks filled with quotes and thoughts that have inspired my being. One in particular, stuck out this evening: “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” Whoa!If that isn’t poignant to the ebbs and flows of our lives as…
Crumb of Cake
Call me crazy, but I’m starting to feel like maybe I’m a little bit crazy. Is that crazy? Is it Nuts-ville Crazytown that I feel like I am more in love with my husband now, than ever before? That I would rather have one-way conversations with his spirit or soul, than put any real efforts into possibly finding a new partner who I could actually…
Goodbye for now
Two writers stepping down in one week?!? First it was Melinda. Now, it’s my turn. This is very bittersweet for me. I am so incredibly thankful for the platform that Michele has given me to open up my heart and share my journey. I have learned so much just from watching my life unfold in my own words and processing through it, as well as reading…
Life Does NOT Look ……
…… the way I expected it to look …… 6 years ago. Six years ago he was still alive. Although for only 14 more days, unbeknownst to any of us. Over the years, I remember looking at people I knew, who had lost their spouse, and wondering, “What were they thinking 24 hours before?” Seriously. I thought that. I wondered. I don’t…
Dreams
I never dream of him. I can’t for the life of me figure out why or how the person I spent most moments of 15 years with, the person I was closest to in my entire life, doesn’t show up in my dreams now that he’s gone from this earth. Or if he is, why I don’t remember those dreams but I do remember the mundane, annoying, or ridiculous dreams instead.