This past week we did a few holiday activities. It seems I have been trying to fill my time as much as I can in the hopes that I don’t stop long enough to deeply feel what I’m feeling. I know this is probably not healthy, but the holiday season this year has been a lot tougher than it was last year and I couldn’t risk losing momentum like I did after Halloween. December was one of those important months for us. Not just because we went all out for Christmas, but also because we became husband and wife on Christmas Eve Eve.

I’ve been told many times to just take it easy this month. To only do the bare minimum. That people would understand. Which I am sure they will. That there was no need to go above and beyond even for my kids because they wouldn’t remember anyways. But that’s not how I see it. Even though they are only three, they have gotten to the point where they understand Christmas and they are truly excited about it. Seeing the look on their faces light up even at the smallest thing like hanging an ornament melts my heart. So as I battle between this hurt in my heart and this happiness of witnessing them experience all that is Christmas, I have to figure out how to continue to give them the holiday we always wanted for them, but by myself. What traditions do I keep up with? What do I leave behind? What new ones do I start? As I’ve been pondering these questions for months my stomach gets a little queasy each time. Each time I realize that this is what I have to think about. Each time I realize we will never have another Christmas with you. Never another anniversary with you. Yes, I can do my best to honor you and hold you in my heart as I celebrate. But for those going through this you know it just isn’t the same. It’s not the same when people say, he’s watching over you. He sees everything you’re doing. He’s proud of what you have done. He would want you to… These are the comments that make me cringe inside. Yes, I understand some people are trying to make me feel good or offer what they think is comfort. But in my head, all I can hear is, how could you possibly know that? Because no one does. The only one that would know that is dead. So please don’t speak for him.

So as I navigate these days leading closer and closer to Christmas and the New Year I’m trying to figure out what to do with traditions in general. Mostly when traditions were so important to us as not only a couple but a family. I’ve been feeling a strong sense of obligation to Erik to hold on to all the traditions that were so close to his heart and mine, but how do I hold on to everything? How do I pick and choose? How do I continue to create that “magic” that we dreamed of for our kids? What new traditions do I add to try to include Erik as best as I can? I am just one person. And how do I continue to create that magic for everyone else as well? Not just for my kids, but for family and friends. Because Christmas to us was always about giving and showing our gratitude. How do I do all that by myself? And not just the physical and financial obligations that are tied to that, but the mental. Even though I still hold so much gratitude in my heart what if I just can’t physically keep up with showing it anymore? How do I get rid of this obligation feeling? Because I am sure my family and friends will understand. But how do I get past it for myself?

Well, this year I couldn’t. So here I sit going full steam with Christmas as it used to be, although, in reality, it can’t be. Because Erik is no longer here. So I try my best to keep the traditions we had while adding new ones to include Erik as best as I can. All the while feeling like there is a storm cloud over my head. Maybe as the years go on I will be able to change things up, but in the meantime, I find comfort at this moment in trying my best to uphold the traditions we had as much as I can without him. Even though some things might hurt or pain me, such as holiday family photos without Erik, something inside keeps telling me to continue to do them regardless of how blue it might make me feel.

So this year we will get through our blue Christmas with you in our hearts as best as we can.