Hi honey, You are probably wondering why I am writing this letter. Usually I save the letter writing for the anniversary of the day you died, sort of a look back on the year gone by, but today I ran into D at the grocery store and realized that there are still some stories that only you would understand. Since the celestial phone appears to be out…
It’s 3:00AM
And I can’t sleep. This used to be a normal time to be sitting at my computer fingers tapping, and tears streaming down my face. I can’t count the number of times my feelings have been pounded out on my keyboard, but its been a good long time since the familiar ache of missing Phil has kept me awake into the wee hours of the morning. My heart is…
My Struggle with Acceptance
Since Phil’s death, grief has caused a long struggle between the desire to overcome and the need to accept the realities that widowhood has brought into my life. The concept of acceptance when applied to Phil’s death has always felt like giving up to me. So, I stubbornly planned around any roadblock that would slow what I thought was forward…
Teamwork
Our family received an amazing, unexpected Christmas gift of a very cool new TV. This weekend we went about shifting, rebuilding, figuring out cable connections, and placing the new gadget in the place of our old big screen. Somehow amidst the chaos, the daunting task of moving the old machine out to the garage ended up happening when the…
If You Weren’t Dead
Over the past five years any time that I have done something that I believe Phil would have either actively disliked (getting a tattoo) or probably didn’t appreciate (leaving his ashes in a locked safe for three years) I have used this phrase, “Well then you shouldn’t have died,” to justify my behavior.This phrase when looked at from another angle…
Vive la Vida
There was a time when the idea of “living my life” was an oxymoron. How could I take the advice to live my life when a huge section had been torn out and I was staring in disbelief at the gaping hole left behind? Why make life plans when they can be swept away permanently by a suburban going 50 MPH one summer evening at 5 o’clock? If life is…
Contradictions
Over the past month or so I have introduced Michael as my husband in a variety of circles. The responses to the word “husband” have been fascinating to me. When we are out with a group of friends or new acquaintances, the response is enthusiastic and congratulatory. These folks are just happy to see love in action. When in the company of people…
“The Widow”
At Church on Saturday evening we heard a reading from the Bible that included a widow. As the lector read the word “widow,” she changed the inflection of her voice. Later, during the sermon, our priest talked at length about the widow in the parable we’d just heard. Every single time he said the word, I cringed. He changed his tone too. There was…
Don’t Die
“Hi, it’s me. I forgot to ask you to be sure you ride in the second or third car of the train. Thanks.” “Wow, you are awfully close to the side of the road. Don’t get hit by a car.” “Bike ride? Um, sure that sounds like a good idea. Are you going out alone?” “Hi, you said you’d be home around three and it is three-thirty now. Just checking in.
I Didn’t Cry
When I first was able to entertain the thought of marrying again, I was certain that I would fall to pieces when asked to utter the phrase, “till death do us part.” Those four words mean something completely different now that I know what parting actually feels like. In fact, I often teared up when discussing my fear of this phrase with…
Almost Married
By the time you all read this post I will be married. Even as I type these words I find that fact slightly unbelievable, because five years ago I was certain that my life was over. My heart was still beating, my lungs worked, my eyes opened each morning, but my LIFE was over. I found the fact that the world as I knew it had stopped turning to be…
The August Flu
Even though I have now lived through the month of August five times since Phil’s death, I once again failed to notice the signs of the anniversary flu as August 31st approached this year. Maybe you recognize some of the symptoms?physically achy impatient slightly glum, but with no real cause low grade sense of impending doom decreased level of…