First, thanks to Chris for filling in while I dealt with preparing for and sitting 3 finals in 4 days. Of course, while I was meant to be studying, I came to the realisation of something. Come June 18th 2015, Ian will have been gone longer than we had known each other – three years and four days versus three years and three days. I have no idea…
Knowing What I’m Doing
I’m a planner. Always have been. I was forward planning on potential outcomes throughout Ian’s illness. When it looked like he was going to survive, albeit severely disabled from a massive stroke, I was looking at house plans or for places to live near his mother’s nursing home in order to keep our family as close together as possible. Same…
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Like often happens when I read the rest of the writing team’s posts, Sarah’s post on Sunday struck a chord. I wonder when I’ll get to the point where pretty much the first thing I say to someone isn’t “I’m a widow; my husband died two and a half years ago” or some variation on the theme. And then changes just keep on happening around me that…
Turning on a Dime
I figured I’d keep with the currency theme for my post title… There are two things I’ve noticed in widowhood – how time becomes quite elastic and how quickly you can find yourself in another stage, another headspace without even realising it. A while ago I wrote about avoiding going back to work. I’ve tried to find the post, but in my…
Comprehension
One thing I’ve struggled with is how to manage John’s understanding of Ian dying. Of having a daddy, but having no memory of him. We’re a family of faith, actively involved in our church community so that gave me a bit of framework to use. We talk about daddy going to heaven, as opposed to other explanations. When ever I’ve been talking to John…
Different life
I’m in that lovely crunch time in semester where I have assignments and other assessments coming out of my butt and I seriously question the sanity of going back to school. Ok, I’m always questioning the sanity of that choice! Which has had me thinking in the last day or so as I worked on cost accounting exercises – would I be doing this if…
Reaching Out
This week has sucked. Pain. Restriction in mobility. Kid who’s acting up. Change over to summer time so sleep is out of whack. Pain meds making my brain addled, so I’ve not been able to study effectively for an exam I have in about 24 hours. Economics is just plain not computing. Frustration I can’t stand long enough to be able to get the house…
Rest
I’m sitting here incapacitated, writing my post while implementing the RICE acronym for injuries. On Saturday while working in the garden as John played under a sprinkler, I tripped over something I knew was in the lawn. Because I’ve not yet got to mowing, the stand for my sun shade has been hidden by the long grass. Whilst trying to…
All to Myself
Right from a young age, Ian encouraged co-sleeping with John. Ian always wanted him close. It was a habit I personally wasn’t keen on, but let it slide. Once they were both asleep (like in this photo), I’d take Ian’s glasses off, and move John to his crib. Since it was the easiest way to calm John, I maintained that habit once Ian got sick and…
Street Appeal
Spring has sprung here, and it’s glorious getting outside, enjoying the sunshine and melting off the cobwebs. Particularly since all my anniversaries fall over the middle of winter and I coop myself up more than ever over the grey season. After I joined the ranks, some of my before interests didn’t satisfy me, didn’t provide the enjoyment they had…
Stumped
It’s one of those ‘what the heck to I write about’ weeks. It’s hard because it’s been a “good” week. Which is really anything that isn’t a bad week. The week has been without too many of those sledgehammer ‘my husband’s dead’ moments. And when they’ve come, it’s been at odd times, like unstacking the dishwasher. But it’s simply been a week where we…
Existing
In 1998/99 I spent a year living and teaching English conversation in Japan. And up until recently, I would describe that year in many ways as ‘existing’, not ‘living’. But in retrospect, I had something resembling a life there, not a great one, but I was engaged socially with the expat community. Now at home, as a widow, I really find I’m in a…