Widow's Voice

A Flight of Stairs

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Almost six years ago and three flights of stairs up, we thought our new apartment in this little beach down was part of Heaven.

For 8 months I helped you walk up and down these stairs until up was to hard for the both of us.

Four years after you, I stayed in our apartment. I couldn’t move, at first, because of finances. I couldn’t move, because of safety. I couldn’t move away from us. I just couldn’t.

For a time I thought I would never leave. For a time I thought if I didn’t leave you might come walking in that door again. For a time I thought that I wouldn’t have any other reason to leave and, if I did, it was selfish.

Slowly but suddenly I found myself in similar yet unfamiliar spaces and I new it was time, time for me to move forward, time for me to move my mindset and time to move on from our apartment three flights up.

It has taken me some time to realize that moving doesn’t change how important our memories are to me. Moving doesn’t mean I’m forgetting about you. Moving doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you. Moving means that I still have life to live and our apartment wasn’t supposed to hold me anymore.

So here’s to our wonderful years in that apartment in the sky.

Almost six years later and this is our last walk together down these three flights…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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