Here we are yet again. Knee-deep already in another holiday season. This one has been a little different than last. The twins are another year older and understanding more. The excitement and joy of the season for them is just as much, if not more this year. I find myself battling internally with trying to balance all the grief feelings that come so much stronger this time of year while trying to not let my grief feelings affect the spirit of Christmas for the twins. As not only Christmas approaches so does our wedding anniversary. Christmas Eve Eve. A day that was made even more special when we said ‘I do’. I’ve been trying so hard to not think about it or put emphasis on it this year. More so because I already find myself stressed and spread thin this year and didn’t want to add to the anxiety of knowing it was coming up. But just like all the special dates it lingered in the back of my head and slowly creeps up at the most inconvenient times. As I was driving earlier this week it hit me out of nowhere. The fact that this would have been our 5th wedding anniversary. The fact that this is our 5th wedding anniversary. And there I sat behind the wheel, again taken back by my reality. Not believing that this was now my life. Wishing so badly that it still was all a bad dream. And wondering if Erik was still here what our life would have looked like now. Then I recalled a scene in time when we were jokingly bantering back and forth about all the milestone wedding anniversaries. Remembering so clearly the comment he had made about this upcoming one. And there I was not realizing I was already fully crying at yet another stoplight.
It hasn’t just been the feelings of grief lately. As I’ve prioritized being fully present in all the holiday activities with the twins this year more than focusing on a holiday to-do list I have found myself feeling a weird sense of anxiety. As I look at their joyful eyes and excited laughs it always hits me. How fast they are growing. The mix of sadness with happiness. And I know probably every parent feels this, I sure did when they were babies, but this was a different type of feeling I hadn’t felt before Erik had passed. It wasn’t just the sadness of them not being small anymore or the happiness of what amazing humans they were growing into, but it was the feeling of anxiety and fear. The anxiety that time was moving too fast yet feeling like I was still in the past. A part of me still living when Erik was alive trying to balance the part of me that is trying to keep up with the growth of the twins. The desire for time to slow down as it takes us further from when Erik was here with us and them knowing him, and him knowing them. And the fear that time is slipping from me as they get older and realizing that nothing will ever be the same. Of course, my mind knows this but my heart has not yet caught up. And that has caused a weird stirring of anxiety mixed in a pot filled with all other emotions that seem to have run rampant.
And so I continue to push my way through this season the best way I know how, by going forward; trying to be open to all the sadness that comes from my grief but all the joy that comes from this season with the twins.
