How Grief Impacts Feelings

At age 26, I received a helpful definition for feelings. You may be thinking that could be a bit late in life to receive information about something that impacts life on a daily basis and you would be right. Regardless of timing, I gratefully received this definition.

“Feelings are spontaneous, inner reactions.

In and of themselves, they are not right or wrong;

rather, they are simply a mixed bag of pleasant, unpleasant, soothing or upsetting sensations

that can sneak up on you and ruin your day.” -Origin Unknown

Or something like that.

 

Feelings can be strong and unruly.

An interesting scientific study exists that offers a perspective on society and emotions based on (get ready for it….) tweets.

Millions of messages posted on online social networks, such as Twitter, can be mined to reveal the emotional atmosphere of a society. This atmosphere can be conceived as a palette of emotions, wherein multiple emotions are experienced and expressed simultaneously in the ebb and flow of everyday social life. Temporal exogenous events, major and minor alike (e.g., a terrorist attack, a victory in an international sports championship, untimely passing of a local celebrity, or a humorous incident in a talk show), can make certain emotions prevalent in this palette for a while (e.g., anger, joy, sadness, or amusement). Unveiling the dynamics of emotions 

For those on Twitter, aka X, the emotional temperature seems pretty accurate. Perhaps, for some, feelings are easier to express when not face to face. Not surprising when one considers the strength of emotions that arrive like a fast moving river, or even a tsunami.

“You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects; our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness” – Brené Brown

“Emotional Intelligence grows through perception. Look around at your present situation and observe it through the level of feeling” – Deepak Chopra

“There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings” – Anthon St. Maarten

Often when facing strong emotions we hold our breath without realizing it. The advice to “breathe” proves powerful if we remember to do so in the moment. Additionally, observe the strong outward release of breath that arrives naturally when the anxiety or fear is gone.

My journey with emotions is a long and rewarding experience. Facing difficult feelings and learning how to care for myself when exploring them has changed everything. It did not make grief any easier, but it made me more aware of having to relearn the basics in order to survive.

From someone who has always been a “deep feeler,” I can say with confidence that there are many helps available with learning to “allow” your feelings to surface without becoming overwhelmed. Therapy is a great start for this. Exploring the world of Daniel Goleman, known as the father of Emotional Intelligence, can make the work feel more like an adventure. (Note: a quick search on Thriftbooks.com brought up his two groundbreaking books for just over five bucks each!)

It is possible for us love all the parts of us that we come to know through our feelings.

 

From one widowed person to another — we can figure this out.

Hold on, and reach out when the going gets rough.

We can find our way.

 

In Blackwater Woods

by Mary Oliver

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.