I read one of his journals today. I read it because I sold our bed, in three hours. I had to empty out his bedside table (they went too) before the guy came to pick it up.Later, as I try to decide where a mattress on a floor would look best, in MY room, I get side tracked and sift through the box of stuff from the bedside tables. I sit down, pick…
Widowed Belongings
The Smell
I didn’t mean to. I was only trying to help, to help him, because he missed you so much. He was in your closet. He came out and said, “It doesn’t smell like Daddy anymore.” He looked so sad. He looked so forlorn. So I showed him my secret. Your cap. The one I keep folded up tight, in a Ziplock bag, stashed in my bedside table. …
mirrors.
i was looking for something else, but i found two mirrors, buried in bags, buried in boxes, buried in a garage.buried. one, part of a fold-up hairbrush. the other, a compact to check her makeup. i found the compact first. i don’t think i’d ever seen it before. i held it. i closed my eyes. slowly. slowly. slowly. i opened it. i opened them. i saw…
senseless socks
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned on this journey of widowhood is that grief is not logical. It makes no sense. It’s arrogant and naive to believe that we think we know how we would react in any stressful or painful situation. Segments of our lives, portions of our morals and many of our ideals become frayed and scattered. When we begin to…
something small.
i just found it the other day, still attached to a belt loop on an old pair of jeans.it was part of me everyday for two weeks, that simple metal object, it held on to the things that meant so much to her in life and will mean so much to her daughter when she’s old enough to appreciate them. i tried to put the jeans on, leaving the safety pin where…
Ours to Mine
Our wedding rings are no more. His was so huge. My 6’6″ husband had fingers that matched his size.When he died, I removed his ring and put it into the ring box that I kept my diamond in. I don’t remember when I took off my wedding bands. Long enough so that wearing a ring on my “wedding” finger feels odd. I needed something that would represent us,…
found
a few days ago she found them. they’d been sitting in plain view since before her mom died.well, not exactly in plain view… they were covered by a couple of books, but i could see them from where i sat every day, working on our taj. it helped that i knew they were there, otherwise i probably would have looked past them as well. but at two…
circles
not long after the darkness fell upon us, i came up with an arbitrary goal… wear them one day longer than her. but this wasn’t the first time i let some unspoken goal determine my behavior. no, giving myself a personal challenge that eventually becomes a near obsessive compulsive disorder, this is a problem i’ve always had. like that…
Stumbling
I stumble upon his stuff. His filled wallet, his watch , 4 sets of contact lenses, his favorite pair of running/bicycling glasses, a book marked where he meant to begin again, a note with his handwriting, I pick up each one when I find it.I examine it, turning it in my hand and then I smell. Hoping for a trace of him. Gratefully, there is none. Too…
six weeks ago
today was tuesday.and it sucked.started the day workingon the stuffi didn’t want to work on.rote the check for liz’sfuneral today.and mailed two copies of herdeath certificateout to some folkswho need them.also had toget something from her closet.and for the firsttime was faced withherhamper fullof dirty clothesandher wall of shoes.they…
Take It All
We are all at a standstill. You and me. You poised to help, not knowing what to do.Me, on the other side, wanting help, not knowing what to ask for. Art’s presence has been with me all day. I just stood in my kitchen crying.Pallas looking on, hugging me.”This is so hard.” I said’I miss him too, Mommy.” she said.And I want dinner delivered…
musical memories
Today, as I scanned through my CD collection in search of something mellow yet fun to listen to while doing housework, I found that every. single. bloody. CD had some memory intertwined in its’ melody.I found myself sobbing due to the fact that I am the one now, the ONLY one, who remembers dancing in the wheelhouse of the boat in the middle of the…