Like a freight train, time is bullying its way forward. Come February, which feels just around the corner, I will have been five years without Mike. I sit here in his chair on the lanai we shared in this house, looking down on the ocean view he loved so dearly, wondering how that is possible. Because in this moment, and so many others, it feels…
Decisions, Decisions
Sometimes, you don’t make decisions. Sometimes, decisions are just made for you. Like that time my husband died. I definitely didn’t decide that. And as a result, a cascade of other decisions I didn’t make happened. I just had no choice in the matter. All the things you do in life, day-to-day or long term, doing any of those things without…
Tiresome Grief
I’m just so tired. Sitting here with all this week’s feelings, thoughts and words ping-ponging around my brain, that one just keeps rising to the top. Grief is a heavy, heavy stone to drag around, and I’m tired. That sinister companion has changed so much, not just in my daily life but how I think about life altogether. I’m been…
Breaking Home
If you’ve been following the slow-motion event that is the foreclosure on my home here in Hawaii, there is an update. The commissioner who was appointed to handle the auction did a site inspection today. I am waiting to hear the dates for the two open houses she is required to hold, probably in November. Soon after that, auction will be scheduled…
My Bubble
I’m back in Kona after a whirlwind trip across two very large ponds. Being that it is 11 hours time difference between Hawaii and the UK, I am still suffering the lag, but it’s getting better. It was well worth it, both for time with my boyfriend’s family, and refreshing the spirit during a time of looming change in my reality. So now back to…
Junk Mail – Repost
While I am away I am reposting a blog from 2014. This still happens too. Today I grabbed the mail from the mailbox, saw it was mostly junk, and tossed it on the floor of my car as I sped off downtown for a few errands. Stopped at a stoplight I looked down and noticed a flyer from our local vision center which said brightly, we miss seeing you!…
It’s Complicated – Repost
While I am away, I am reposting a blog from 2014. Interesting how some things never change. Recently I’ve had people say to me, when they learn I’ve been widowed, well, you know he’ll always be with you. I know they say that with all the best intentions…and in a way, I agree, because yes, he will always be in my heart. But it’s not as easy as…
In My Heart
When this posts I will be in England with my musician boyfriend. We didn’t go last year…it’s just so darned pricey, getting all the way over there from Hawaii. But his mom is sick. Cancer. So we are going. She actually lives in Wales in a very small town where he grew up. But we are arranging a few days visiting various castles (castles…
Another Day
I have a lot going on these days. In the past year, things have speeded up for me. I am working on a new career, and further schooling to that end started this week, as the first course is ending. Working another job in the meantime. And looking at the inevitable change that will come when the house goes. Amidst all of that are the quiet…
This Terrible Club
Do you want to know the best thing that happened to me since my husband died? Meeting other widows. When I realized I was a widow…the day he died…it floored me. It felt unreal. Surreal. It occurred to me, sitting at our dining room table, with that female police officer asking me about other kin, the firefighters in the bedroom with…
Sorry Too Late
You know that feeling when you walk into a store and see something your beloved late spouse would have liked and for a brief moment, you think, I should get that for him…and then you remember, he’s not here anymore. I went into Costco this week to pick up a few things, and that happened…again. I saw a pair of shorts he would have loved.
Missing You Always
Dear Mike, Do I have to say how much I miss you? Wherever you are, if you can hear me, you must know this, because I say it all the time. Speaking into the ether, perhaps into a void, not knowing if it is received on your end, but always imagining it is, hoping it is. I see signs from you. At least that is how I choose to interpret the birds…