I’m feeling quite proud of myself today. I’ve been going through a bit of a tough patch in the past couple of weeks yet despite this, I’ve been riding it well. If there is such a thing as ‘good widowing’ then I think I deserve some kind of gold star. I guess, what I’ve really noticed this past week, is that when the familiar feelings of ‘this…
All I Can Be, For Now
Well, no doubt about it, I’ve had a tough week. Following the birth of my best friend’s baby last weekend, which I assisted with, I knew it was inevitable that an emotional crash would follow such a confronting experience. Having a front row seat for someone else’s transformation into the role of mother was more difficult than I’d feared. …
Witnessing New Life
I’ve mentioned a few times in the past couple of months that my best friend and her husband were having a baby. Well, this morning, at 4:30am, their beautiful baby girl entered the world and I was privileged to be there to help. It was a long, sleepless, emotional and exhausting night and I’m struggling to find the words to explain both what an…
One of Many
Before I lost my husband to depression, I was so unaffected by the word ‘suicide’. The word itself and casual references are everywhere in our society. In the lyrics of popular songs and common terms of phrase; it pops up unexpectedly in movies and tv shows and it features in art work, like Banksy’s ‘suicidal butterflies’. I’m ashamed to…
Setting my Goal for 2016
I’m not really one for New Years resolutions however at the start of every year, I do like to put a lot of thought into setting myself a goal for the coming twelve months. When Dan died from depression in July 2013, leaving me as a young, newly-wedded widow, my focus turned to just surviving. That first five or six months was a blur and when…
Hopefully, in Time
So another Christmas has passed us by, my third without my husband. Initially, I felt like this one was going to be a bit easier than my past two, and I guess in some ways it was. However despite enjoying the festive build-up, the Christmas parties, house-decorating and gift-buying, the heaviness in my heart on Christmas day was unavoidable. A…
A Fear I Can’t Ignore
I’m going to let you in on a little secret… one that I’m not even sure I’ve fully admitted to myself. I’m scared. My best friend is due to have her first baby in less than five weeks and I’m starting to feel absolutely petrified about it. Amidst all the excitement and happiness over the past few months that has surrounded her pregnancy,…
An Empty Ritual
My Christmas tree is up. It nearly didn’t happen. Again. I had that moment where I didn’t see the point, with the same questions I’ve asked myself for the preview two years since he passed. I thought ‘I live alone, I won’t even be here on Christmas day – I’ll be at my sister’s house. It’s so depressing to decorate a tree on your own, why…
Surprised by the Loneliness
Last week I wrote about how excited I was to be heading off on a holiday with my family and it was a wonderful break. I have a close family and adore my three nephews. Spending time with them playing on the resort waterslide, watching them learn about a different culture, even accommodating four-year-old cranky tantrums (when routine is broken…
A Bit of Happiness for Me
Last Sunday I hosted my best friend’s baby shower. I felt honored to play such a key role in the celebration her pending arrival but, as expected, it really took it out of me. Through the endless baby chat and the parade of adorable presents I was able to fix my smile in place and compartmentalise the pain of my own broken heart but after the last…
Fighting the stigma
A member of my ‘widowed by suicide’ support group shared something with the rest of us this week that has inspired some deep reflection around Dan’s death in a way that I haven’t done in a while. On Thursday night, for the third time, he presented to a class at the University of Utah about ‘death and dying’, talk specifically about…
The Loneliness of Grief
There have been a few instances over the past week or two where I’ve opened up to people and shared a grief-related feeling only to have them either change the subject or ignore me. Approaching the 2 years and 4 month mark, I’m very familiar with this experience. As soon as that initial period of sympathy expires, whether it be a few weeks or a…